


Only one

by TheIceQueen



Series: Life in the years [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anticipation, Awkwardness, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Bathing/Washing, Boredom, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Breakfast in Bed, Caretaking, Confessions, Confusion, Cooking, Cravings, Crying, Desperation, Developing Relationship, Doctors & Physicians, Doubt, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eating, Embarrassment, Exhaustion, Fear, Fear of Death, Feelings, Forehead Kisses, Frustration, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hugs, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Insomnia, Kissing, Lies, Love Confessions, M/M, Medical Examination, Memories, Men Crying, Missing Persons, Mutual Pining, Neck Kissing, Needles, Nervousness, Nesting, Nicknames, Overdosing, Pain, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Phone Calls & Telephones, Please Don't Kill Me, Pre-Relationship, Promises, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Protective Derek Morgan, Protectiveness, Reading, Recovery, Scared Spencer Reid, Secrets, Self-Doubt, Sex Talk, Short Chapters, Showers, Sick Character, Sickfic, Sirens, Sleep, Sobbing, Spencer Reid Whump, Supportive Aaron Hotchner, Supportive Derek Morgan, Texting, Trauma, Unconsciousness, Vacation, Vomiting, Worried Derek, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-07-29 01:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 42,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16253774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Reid doesn't show up for work after a much needed day off for the whole team. Something is wrong and Morgan takes it upon himself to rush there and make sure he'll be okay.Timeline some time during the end of season three.





	1. Talk to me

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for my Bad Things Happen Bingo Card, square filled: Overdose.  
> This is my first fic in the CM fandom. I've been wanting to write for it for so long, but never dared. I love the show since it first episode aired and didn't know how to approach it.

 

Morgan growled at the phone as he tried Reid’s number a third time.

Hotch entered the room. “No contact with Reid yet?” The rest of the team was all there. They all shook their heads as they waited for Morgan to get some kinda result on the phone. “Anyone talked to him yesterday?”

They all looked at each other. “He seemed okay after the case the day before.” Emily was mostly talking to Garcia who was already thinking over every bad thing that could have happened.

“Screw this. I’m going over there.” Morgan didn’t ask for permission, but he knew that he already had it. Even though no one had said anything they all knew that something was off with the young profiler. The main reason that no one had mentioned it, was that Hotch seemed to know what was going on and that he had been almost back to his old self lately.

The phone rung in his hand and Morgan held a hand up to silence the group, not that he needed to.

“Reid?”

There was just a low scuffle on the line. Maybe a breath, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Reid? You there…? Talk to me!”

 _“Mor… Morgan?”_ The voice was almost only air and if Morgan hadn’t expected it to be Reid, he wouldn’t have recognized it.

The silence and the five pair of eyes begging for answers was interfering with is ability to think straight. He left the room and thankfully only Hotch followed.

“It’s Morgan. Are you hurt?”

_“I… Mor…”_

The crack in Reid’s airy voice was already drawing Morgan towards his car.

“Reid! Talk to me. Where are you?”

Hotch stood still, listening closely and had quietly blocked Morgan from the stairs. Morgan looked the older man in the eyes, sharing a little of his frustration and maybe even some panic, as they waited for the doctor to answer.

_“I… I messed up, Morgan.”_

“Just tell me where you are.”

_“Ho-ome.”_

“I’ll be right there! Stay on the line.” Morgan took a step forward hoping for Hotch to step aside. He didn’t, and Morgan took the phone from his ear a short moment.

“I’ll go. I don’t know what it is yet.”

“We’ll handle the case from here.” Hotch looked Morgan in the eyes with the same look as when he’d give out orders that was not up for discussion. “Call me.”

Morgan nodded and ran off to his car.

“Keep talking to me, Reid!”

Not knowing for sure what was happening, Morgan took no chances and put on lights and sirens, blasting through town. Reid didn’t speak much and when he stopped entirely, Morgan was expecting Reid to loose the fight with his breathing any second. It was heavy, and it sounded like the young man was fighting for every breath. Only half of the way there Morgan was sure the bump on the line was from the phone impacting with the floor. After that there was only silence.


	2. Hold tight

The reality revealing itself for Morgan after he’d kicked in Reid’s apartment door, spiked his heartbeat high enough that he could feel it fighting in his chest.

“Reid?!”

The pale man was front down on the floor, eyes closed. Morgan dropped to his knees next to him and placed a firm heavy hand on the middle of his back.

“Spencer?!”

The young profiler, hummed and moved his arm like he was going to push himself up, but never got to the pushing part.

“Hey, hey. Easy.”

The movement was sluggish and nothing near coordinated, but the reaction from the other man, let Morgan’s lungs fill with just enough air so he could take in the scene. A small puddle of fluid was next to Reid’s face and his hair seemed wet from it on one side. Reid’s phone was under the couch, he must have dropped it and then fallen off himself in attempt to get it.

Moving his eyes over the coffee table he noticed… something. The book was placed weird. The apartment was tidy, and even if he’d just put the book down Reid would never leave it open like that, crumbling the pages with it’s own weight. He lifted the book. Morgan didn’t need to look at the syringe on the table or at the vial to know what it was.

“Dammit. What did you do?!”

Morgan turned Reid on his side, noticing the coldness of his clammy neck and face. His eyes blinked open slowly and Morgan took the opportunity to try for more contact. He leaned in closer, holding the man’s chin and looked into his brown eyes. Stomach sinking as he saw how constricted Reid’s pupils were.

“Derek?”

Reid didn’t quite manage to keep eye contact and his strained breathing only allowed for him to whisper.

“Hey, Angel-face. Talk to me. Did you take anything else?”

Reid’s eyes blinked slowly, and his head got heavier.

“No! Stay with me.”

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

Before Morgan could fight the proclamation, Reid curled up on himself and pulled both of his sluggish arms to his stomach. Morgan held him from rolling to his front again as he added the tiniest amount to the puddle on the floor.

“Der…”

“Shh. It’s all good. I’ve got you.” Morgan brushed a strand of hair from Reid’s forehead, silently praying that the cramps would stop before he had to carry him to the car.

Morgan had always been one to act quick, not thinking just doing. He needed to get Reid to a hospital and he knew the fastest way was to get him to the car, but this was different; he wanted to comfort him too, make sure nothing else hurt him on the way. Just the thought of adding to his pain by lifting him was enough to make the experienced agent hesitate.

Reid stopped moving and his head fell heavy in Morgan’s hand. The panting man lifted his shaking hand to take Morgan’s arm. Morgan grabbed it and placed it slowly on the younger man’s own chest. He collected the rest of the drugs the in the pencil case next to it and stuffed it in his jeans pocket.

He carefully lifted Reid’s head, making him moan in confusion. “Hang on. Getting you some help.” He slowly collected Reid in his arms and got to his feet.

“Derek?”

“It’s me, Angel-face. Don’t worry.”

Morgan hoped it was his words making Reid relax in his arms, but when the hand grasping on to his shoulder fell down into free air and Reid’s head tilted back, he knew different.

Leaving the broken door behind fully open, he left for the car. Talking just as much to himself as to the man in his arms on the way.

“C’mon, Spencer… c’mon, hang in there.”

Morgan knew it was safest for Reid to lie down on the back seat, to protect his airway especially if he was going to vomit, but he couldn’t have him so far away. Somehow, he found himself equally concerned that Reid would panic. He leaned the front seat as far back as it would let him and strapped the limp body in. He could hold his head while driving.

Reid hummed as the engine got going and Morgan almost lost focus on the road for a second.

“Hey. Spencer?”

Reid hummed again but didn’t open his eyes. His head was a little easier to hold upright.

“We’re going to the hospital. Hang in there, just a little longer.”

A small jerk spread from Reid’s head and through the larger agent’s arm. Morgan looked away from the road to study this new symptom. Reid’s hands were twitching, not rapidly, but enough to spread fear in Morgan’s entire body, that this might end up in a seizure.

“Spencer?”

His neck twitched slightly again, and Morgan held his head tighter to the headrest and turned the siren on.


	3. Cuffed together

“I need some help!”

A nurse and a doctor was with him immediately. Morgan’s arms were shaking under the unconscious man, but not because of fatigue. Only a second was used on finding a pulse on Reid’s neck and opening his heavy eyes to shine a light in them. Reid frowned under the touch, but didn’t pull away.

The doctor turned to the room. “We need a gurney!” She looked at the nurse. “Room two.”

The nurse nodded and ran off.

Reid’s skin was grayish, a bit yellow around the eyes, and his lips were turning an alarming shape of blue. He’d reacted with a low whimper when Morgan had pulled him from the car, but he didn’t open his eyes anymore.

“Sir? Lie him down.”

Morgan hadn’t seen the gurney rolled over to them. He carefully placed Reid on the bed and took one of his hands in both of his. The twitches and the strained fast breathing had scared Morgan… till now; between the fast pace and the loud voices in the emergency room, it was the only thing he could focus on, to be sure Reid was still alive.

“You need to step outside.” The nurse had a hand on Morgan’s shoulder. He looked at her briefly and then bend down to talk to Reid.

“I’m right here, Spencer. Don’t worry. I’m staying.”

“Sir…”

He looked from one nurse, who was unwrapping something, to the doctor listening to Reid’s heart, over three or four more people who were all really busy with… something, and ended up looking at the nurse next to him. He took a calm breath, trying to remember that they were all there to help.

“I’m not leaving him. I’ll stay out of your way, but as long as you don’t need this hand, it’s mine.”

“Did he take something?” The doctor cut them off, and Morgan took it as permission to stay. “Sir? Do you know what he took?”

“Yeah.” Morgan reluctantly took one of his hands from Reid’s and pulled the pencil case from his pocket. “I think it’s Dilaudid.”

There were no label on the class vials and Reid had never shared his problems, but it started right after his abduction, and now it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. He’d seemed better lately though and even though Morgan had suspected drug use, he hadn’t thought about it in months.

A young man took the vials from Morgan and ran out of the room.

Reid turned his head towards the needle going onto his hand and it seemed like he tried pulling his arm away, but he didn’t have the strength. Morgan hunched down next to his head and turned his face towards him.

“It’s alright. They’re helping you.”

“On his side!”

Everyone in the room gathered around the bed and rolled the suddenly rigid body to his side. Morgan moved to the head of the bed, but didn’t let go of the cold, shaking hand. Not having to do anything but watch, Morgan had to support himself on the metal frame of the bed as he felt Reid’s stomach cramp strong in his own gut.

Reid was panting more now, rolled to his back again, coughing and gagging, still not aware of anything going on around him. Morgan hunched down next to him again, trying to calm his friend and co-worker down.

A new nurse came over to place an oxygen mask on him. Reid didn’t move, but the sudden high-pitched sob, made Morgan take over. “Here you go. It’ll help. Just breathe.”

If it was Morgan’s voice or simply that no one was touching his face, wasn’t clear, but Reid got silent again when the mask was in place.

“How long has he been like this?”

The doctor and nurses were all working on the small man at once, and Morgan instinctively buried his fingers a little deeper in the long damp hair and squeezed his hand a little tighter. He wished that Reid would squeeze back, or just move it different from the sudden twitches. He told them everything he knew. All that had happened from he’d found him and how long they had tried to contact him before that.

Slowly, the group of people thinned out and lastly there were only the doctor and one nurse left. Reid was hooked up to two screens and quite a few bags with fluids and medicine. His breathing was still shallow, and uneven, as if he struggled to remember how to pull in air. Morgan was still hunched down close to his face. Right there, to be the first thing he’d see when he’d open his eyes.

A light hand was on his back and Morgan tore his eyes from Reid’s face. The nurse smiled at him and offered him a chair.

“Thanks.”

He moved it over and sat down, allowing his lower legs and feet to fill with blood.

“Page me if anything changes. If his oxygen drops, we’ll have to intubate.” The doctor was speaking to the nurse while writing something down on a clipboard. Then she looked at Morgan. “He’s not out of the woods yet, but he’s stable for now.”

Morgan smiled at her and nodded, and she left the room. The blood pressure cuff started buzzing and Reid hummed and grimaced in discomfort.

“Shh. Hey, Angel-face. Can you look at me?”

The nurse put a hand on Morgan’s shoulder again.

“It could take some time for him to be able to move or talk as we expect him to, but that he’s responding to pain and that it seems like he’s calming down when you talk to him, is a good sign.”

When the cuff let go of Reid’s arm, and the younger man stilled, except for the twitches that were now mostly in his hands and lower legs, Morgan thanked the nurse and heard his phone ring. He pulled it from his pocket and looked at it. Hotch was calling.

“You can use the phone on the table.” The nurse gestured for the landline on the table close to Morgan and then left the room.

The phone stopped ringing and he looked at the screen for a second. Two missed calls from Hotch, a text from JJ and four texts and a missed call from Garcia. He hadn’t heard any of it.

Sending a mental thanks the decorator of the hospital, for placing the phone within reach, he dropped his cell and dialed Hotch’s number without letting go of Reid.


	4. Unintentional

“I know. Sorry, I didn’t hear my phone.”

“ _Where are you? Are you okay?”_

Morgan could hear the voices in the background fade out.

“I… ehm… Are you alone?”

There was muffled footsteps on the line and then a door closed.

_“I am. Derek, what happened?”_

“I found him in his apartment. Hotch, it looks like an overdose.”

The silence went on for a little too far, but Morgan had to wait for Hotch to continue. When he did, it was with a voice that was only calm because Hotch wanted it to be.

“ _How is he?_ ”

Morgan looked at the young man, fogging the mask with shaky breaths and still twitching every once in a while.

 “They don’t know for sure yet, but he seems to be okay for now.”

“ _Okay. The team can handle the case, I’ll be there in twenty minutes._ ”

“No.” Morgan had no intention of letting anyone else in this room. Not even Hotch. From the first time he’d heard Reid whisper his name on the phone, Morgan knew he was scared. Scared enough to make Morgan instinctively protect him from everything. Including, having to answer to more than one person. “Hotch. I’ll call you as soon as anything changes. If you leave now, they will all know that something is wrong.”

“ _But, Derek…_ ”

“Hotch. He needs time anyway.”

Morgan heard his boss take a deep breath. “ _Okay. But you call me as soon as you know anything._ ”

“I will… and please, Aaron… don’t tell the others about the drugs.”

“ _You know I won’t._ ”

Morgan felt his shoulders drop with relief. It would be unbearable to watch Reid try and explain this to that many people.

 _“Talk to you **soon**. Take care of him, okay?_ ”

“Sure, I will. Bye.”

* * *

Morgan knew that the last sentence was just a way for Hotch to tell him that it was better for him to be with Reid than on the case, but Morgan hadn’t thought of the case since before Reid didn’t answer the first call. Right now there was nothing more important for him than to stay right there.

Morgan had always protected and cared for his extended family. Been there when they needed him, even when they didn’t knew it themselves. This time however, something was different. In any other case, Morgan would be checking every number on the screens, making sure the nurse would come in as often as she’d said, asking all the right questions and making arrangements for when the person would wake up.

Now, he found himself sitting still, holding Reid’s lifeless hand in both of his, actually glad that it wasn’t moving anymore. He only concentrated on Reid’s breathing and on calming him down whenever the damn blood pressure cuff would squeeze his other arm. It was weird, he noticed it himself, but he couldn’t let go or look away if he tried. The nurse had been in a few times, but they didn’t talk. Not before the doctor talked louder at him, he looked up.

“Sorry?”

She smiled at him and came a little closer. “I said that he’s doing better. He’s getting more oxygen and his twitches have decreased significantly. His pulse is going up too.”

Morgan looked at the screens for a moment, confirming the massage, before he looked back at the still unconscious man. “Thank you.”

“We’ll be in again soon, but don’t hesitate to call.” She nodded at the alarm next to the bed and Morgan nodded as they left the room.

He’d heard what the doctor had said and seen all the numbers, but as long as he wasn’t able to talk to Reid, he wasn’t able to trust anything. He lifted his hand in his and place his elbows on the mattress. Looking at the smaller man’s face, pale and framed by damp hair from the sweat now drying on his forehead. Something pulled in him, his heart or mind, maybe both shot down for a moment, as he leaned in and pressed the cold hand to his warm, shaking lips.

Reid’s hand retracted and Morgan felt his heart explode and immediately let go, but Reid kept moving and pulling the other arm to him too. Then he heard the buzzing from the cuff and quickly took hold on a shaking hand and placed his other palm firmly on the side of Reid’s face.

“Reid. Calm down. You’re okay.”

Reid whimpered loudly. The other times it had just seemed like it had annoyed him, but the speed of his breathing indicated that now he was scared.

Morgan squeezed his hand harder. “Angel! Wake up. It’s Derek, you’re safe.”

It went on for what seemed like ten minutes, but he knew it was under one. For a second Morgan thought he saw Reid’s eyes open, but he squeezed them thigh before he could be sure. The cuff loosened and slowly Reid’s breathing slowed down, and his body relaxed, except for his hand. Reid’s grip wasn’t as strong as the one Morgan had on him, but for the first time there was a grip.

Morgan willed his breathing to not spike and brushed his thumb lightly over Reid’s defined cheekbone.

“Angel? Can you hear me?”

Never in his life had Morgan wanted something as bad, and then have been granted it, as he did when he first looked into those hazel eyes.

“Hey.” Morgan didn’t dare to speak much louder than a whisper. “You back?”

Reid blinked slowly and it scared Morgan that the contact might be gone again, but the weak man looked straight at him again. “Derek?”

“Yeah, it’s me. You’ll be just fine.”

Morgan pulled the string to the alarm and the nurse came rushing in, closely followed by the doctor.

The light in his eyes, the strength-tests, the questions that Reid didn’t answer. Morgan didn’t know whether to punch the nurse or the doctor first.

Reid seemed to get less and less confused, but he didn’t say a single word during it all, and Morgan had already told them all he knew, so when they were done with checking… everything, they left with an ominous promise of a return visit.

Reid was looking at the door, away from Morgan, but was still holding firmly on to his hand. So many questions were piling up in Morgan’s throat that he couldn’t pick one. It didn’t matter anyway. Everything sounded wrong in his head. He didn’t want Reid to think that he demanded answers or even worse that he blamed him for anything.

“Reid?”

He saw Reid look down.

“Spencer…? Please talk to me.”

Reid took a deep breath but didn’t move. “What… what do you want me to say?”

The burning in Morgan’s eyes was an unwelcome reaction but he had no control. Every single question stuck in his mind fell to the ground. All but one. There was only one thing he wanted Reid to say. He _needed_ him to say.

With two fingers on the younger man’s chin he turned his head towards him, surprised that he followed. He still looked down and avoided eye-contact.

“Spencer… Tell me…” Morgan had to pause to control his breathing and he looked down, thinking that it would be easier if he didn’t look at Reid looking away. “Please, tell me that you didn’t mean to do this.”

The grip on Morgan’s hand tightened and he raised his gaze and locked it on Reid’s glazed over eyes.

“I… Derek… You don’t think…?”

Morgan felt the panic rising at the same speed as Reid’s tears fell. He took hold on his other hand too and moved closer, looking softly into his eyes.

“Hey, hey. Calm down. That was all the answer I needed. I believe you.”

“You do?” Reid sounded genuinely surprised and Morgan had to give in to a little smile.

“I do.”

Only when Reid’s forehead wrinkled in a surprised frown, did Morgan realize that he had kissed his hand again. Without addressing it he stood up and turned to the phone.

“I’ll call Hotch. He’s waiting on an update.”

“Wait!”

Morgan didn’t want to turn around to look at the man he just kissed, his friend, his coworker, his damn surrogate little brother.

“Derek. Please.”

He took a deep breath and turned to see that Reid was trying to push himself up to sit against the headboard, and failing. Morgan quickly got him situated and the pulled away again.

“Do they know?”

The struggle Reid had with every word told Morgan that he was close to start crying again. Throwing all awkwardness aside, Morgan sat down on the edge of the mattress and put his hand on Reid’s shoulder.

“Only Hotch. We haven’t told the team.” The relief leaving Reid’s body was strong enough that Morgan felt it rushing through his own.

“O-okay.”

Reid looked at the phone and Morgan took it as a signal to pick it up.

* * *

“ _How is he?_ ”

Hotch has never been one for small-talk but answering the phone like this was new. Morgan could hear the worry vibrating on his voice.

“He’s okay. He’s awake and talking.”

He looked at the fear burning in the younger man’s eyes and before Hotch could ask anything, Morgan did.

“What did you tell the team?”

Reid’s hand was back in Morgan’s. Tight. Morgan put the phone on speaker and placed the handset on the table.

“ _That there was a flooding of his apartment and his phone had drowned. If anyone asks, you are getting him settled in one of your houses right now._ ”

Morgan rubbed a silently crying Reid’s upper arm. “See? Nothing to worry about.”

“ _Reid?_ ” Hotch must have realized that he was on speaker.

The younger profiler froze, and Morgan has to answer for him. “He can hear you.”

Without at pause for thinking or searching for words, Hotch spoke.

“Reid. Listen, this is important.” Reid looked at the phone and his free hand joined the other in holding tight to Morgan’s. “This is not a failure; it’s a setback. You have come a long way. You are still better than you have been and I’m still proud of you.”

Silence spread throughout the room. Reid’s breathing speed up and he turned his face away as his crying became harder to silence. Not thinking about it, Morgan pulled the shaking man’s torso up against his and let Reid’s head rest on one of his strong shoulders. Even as he felt the strongly building tremors from the crying body echo in his own, he felt the fear leave the tense muscles and Morgan let himself relax just a little too.

“ _Reid…? Derek?_ ”

“He heard you, Hotch. He gets it.”

“ _I’ll come by as soon as we’re done here. Call me if you need anything… Morgan, anything._ ”

Morgan smiled and reassured Hotch that he would call even with the smallest request.

For a while after that they stayed in a hug neither of them would let go of. Reid had stopped crying before the doctor came in, but Morgan refused to let go before Reid was ready, so after a quick check at the screens, she left them in silence again.

Eventually, Reid pushed himself back a little and Morgan let go. Just like that, it was awkward again. He’d kissed his hand. He was pretty sure Reid only remembered him doing it once, but that was bad enough.

“Derek…?” Reid was looking down at his hands folded on his thighs. “Why did you kiss my hand?”

How the hell was he supposed to answer that? He didn’t know, it just happened. He looked down on his own hands and to his surprise Reid took both of them in his. “Derek?”

The slim light fingers wrapping themselves around his strong dark hands made everything feel safe and still so much more scary than before.

“It wasn’t like I’d planned for it to happen.”

The smaller body came back to his and asked to be hugged again. Reid tugged his head against Morgan’s chest and wrapped his thin arms around his waist.

“Is it the same reason you stopped calling me Angel-face? Angel isn’t the same thing you know?”

The joking tone in Reid’s voice made Morgan smile, but the underlying tone of happiness made his heart burn with a heat that he just now realized that he’d missed his whole life.


	5. Uncovered secret

It was almost midnight before Hotch silently walked into the room. Reid had been sleeping for hours, but Morgan couldn’t seem to move from his side.

“How is he?” Hotch whispered and walked slowly to the foot-end of the bed.

Derek shrug his shoulders. He wasn’t sure his voice could carry a word without clearing it first. He’d been silent for too long.

“Derek?”

Hotch put a hand on his shoulder, asking for him to look up. Morgan swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up fast. Too fast. He made it to the end wall and supported himself on the windowsill, closing his eyes to stop the head-rush.

The agent was very much aware that his superior was still in the room, expecting him to speak. For hours he’d convinced himself that it was better if Reid should only deal with one person at a time, but maybe it was himself who didn’t want anyone else here. Least of all Hotch.

A hand was on his shoulder again, this time it didn’t let go, but turned Morgan around. He’d expected Hotch to look like he wanted answers or like he had everything planned and Morgan didn’t want to deal with any of that now. But the look in Hotch’s eyes revealed that he had nothing to say and didn’t need anything. He was just there.

Morgan felt his lower lip quivering and he hugged the man in front of him to hide it, but as soon as Hotch hugged back, Morgan couldn’t stop the tears from spilling. Having someone there, who knew Reid, who knew the whole situation, clearly more than he did himself; it was too big of a relief to hold back. All the fear came washing out at once and Morgan wasn’t sure if he could stop. Hotch just held his arms wrapped tight around Morgan’s back as the strong man cried silently on his shoulder.

Minutes later, Morgan got his breathing back under control and when he stepped back, he quickly wiped his tears and turned away from Hotch.

“Darek?”

Morgan wiped both palms over his face to get the last of the water of. “Sorry. Hotch I…”

“Do you know why I let you go find him?”

Morgan cleared his throat and straightened his back, looking out the window. “Because, he needed help and I wasn’t asking.”

There was a sigh behind him and a footstep bringing the voice closer.

“Do you know why I let _you_ go?”

With a deep, almost calming, breath, Morgan turned and looked at Hotch. He tried smiling but wasn’t sure he got it right. “I can get through town the fastest?”

The look on Hotch’s face told Morgan that he should probably know what the older agent was getting at, but Morgan’s mind was blank. It had been working overdrive the last hours and still he wasn’t sure he’d formed a complete thought.

“Listen Derek…” Hotch stepped a little to the side, so Morgan had a clear view of Reid. Somehow, it made him feel more at ease and it was easier to hear what Hotch was saying. “…I didn’t consider your… driving-abilities and although you weren’t asking, you wouldn’t go against an order if I’d sent someone else. I sent you because you wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the case if you didn’t know that he was safe.”

Hotch looked at Reid, sleeping peacefully, and Morgan’s eyes followed. He didn’t understand though; surely the others would have been just as worried.

“The team must have been the same… what about Garcia?”

Hotch smiled and shook his head slowly. “She manages. She lets it all out in bursts and then she focuses… until the next time. Imagine someone with everything Garcia feels and more, bottling it up. Would you put that person in the field?”

Morgan frowned in confusion. “No. But I don’t bottle things up. Wait… what do you mean by _more_?”

Hotch stepped closer and instinctively Morgan took a step back. This was getting uncomfortable, quickly.

“That thing… the _more_. That is the thing you bottle up. The reason this would mean too much for you to work. Why it would hit you harder than anyone else on the team.”

How? Morgan looked at his boss. Not knowing if he were waiting to wake up from this weird dream or for Hotch to continue. He for sure had no clue how to get all the words and question-marks aligned to meaningful sentences. He looked down, as if the answer was written on the floor.

The older man clearly picked up on his confused shock and walked over. This time Morgan didn’t move, not even when Hotch put both hands on Morgan’s shoulders.

“Derek? You have to know for yourself by now. The look on your face when I came in here, was more than a concerned friend.”

It took Morgan a few long seconds to gather momentum enough to look Hotch in the eyes. “But how…? I’ve never… I didn’t know before today. I’m still not even sure I know.”

A compassionate smile spread over Hotch’s face as his grips on Morgan’s shoulders tightened. Hotch looked over his own shoulder at the young agent. “He knows.”

“What?!”

Morgan tore himself loose from the hands and stepped back.

“You two need to sit down and talk.”

Morgan looked from Reid to Hotch and back. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to know the least. He hadn’t even figured out for himself what this was.

Hotch walked to Reid’s bed-side and pulled the chair out, gesturing for Morgan to sit. Stunned and not sure what else to do Morgan sat down. Hotch sat on a chair a bit further away. Reid was still sleeping but when he started to show signs that he was waking up, Hotch came to stand by the foot of the bed.

* * *

Reid’s head turned and as his eyes opened a to a small crack, Morgan threw every awkwardness, of Hotch being there, overboard ad took the younger man’s hand.

“Reid?”

“Hey…” Reid smiled and squeezed his hand back. He blinked a few slow times before Morgan was sure he was completely awake.

“How are you feeling?”

Reid took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Tired… no, weak. Weak and lightheaded.”

“Reid…” Hotch waited for Reid to catch up to there being another person in the room. When the young man looked at him, he continued. “It’s good to see you awake and talking.”

Morgan had to help Reid as he suddenly wanted to sit. He helped him with the pillows and quickly took his hand again after.

“Hotch… I’m…”

Reid sounded smaller than ever before and Morgan didn’t give either of them time to say anything further.

“It’s okay, Spencer. We’ll figure it out. No one is angry.”

“Spencer, calm down.” Hotch took over. “You did hear what I said on the phone, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“No. That’s it. You try your best every single day. You still do. I’m not disappointed… or angry. You simply need to figure out how to avoid what prompted this. I’ve already made plans for the next few weeks.”

Morgan had never thought that Reid could muster up that much strength, but the skinny fingers were crushing Morgan’s hand so it hurt.

“Hotch. Maybe we should hold of a bit.” Morgan put his other hand on top of the grip Reid had on him and looked into the eyes screaming that this was too much too soon. “Shouldn’t Reid be a part of making that plan?”

Hotch walked to Read’s side and took his free hand. “You can say no, but hear me out first.”

Morgan nodded at Reid to go on, when he looked at him for help. At least he had the opportunity to say no.

“Okay.” Reid sat up a bit straighter, ready to hear what Hotch had to say.

“I’ve brought your go-bag from your apartment. I’ve hired people to rebuild the door.”

Morgan couldn’t help but smile at the surprised look Reid sent him. He hadn’t told him yet that he’d kicked in de door.

Hotch looked at Morgan when he continued. “I’ve already put in for two weeks’ vacation for the both of you.”

“Hotch?” What the hell was going on? Morgan had no intention of taking vacation.

“Derek. You and Reid will be staying in one of your houses or at a hotel on my bill, whatever you prefer. You will help him recover and you _will_ not leave him alone.”

Morgan didn’t know what to say or do. He only observed as Reid silently accepted the deal.

As Hotch went for the door, Morgan came back to life  and jumped up, leaving a confused Reid behind. He reached Hotch in the doorway.

“Hotch. I don’t…”

Hotch turned around and looked him straight in the eyes. “Tell me that you want to be back at work more than you want to be here.”

Morgan couldn’t. He wanted to be the strong FBI agent, who could compartmentalize work and everything else with no real effort, but right now he wasn’t that person. Not saying anything he stepped back and let the door close before he went to sit with Reid again.


	6. Insomnia

The drive to Morgan’s house had been quiet. The day before they had decided that the hotel would be too easy for the team to figure out and why would Morgan stay there? Morgan was sure the awkwardness of this whole thing would be even worse if he was going to spend the two weeks with Reid in a hotel.

They got Reid settled in the master bedroom and Morgan threw his own bags into the room next door.

“You need anything?”

Reid had already tugged himself under the covers. He’d been cleared to go home after one night in the hospital but the drive to the house had worn him out completely.

“No. I’m good thanks.”

“You call me, okay? I’m right next door.”

Morgan was sure he saw a smile on Reid’s face before he rolled to the other side. “Thanks. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

For a few minutes Morgan stood outside the door. He wasn’t sure why. He would be able to hear Reid just fine if he called. Maybe he just wanted to make sure he didn’t get up or that he wasn’t crying.

In his own bed, Morgan didn’t get any sleep at all. Why was he suddenly so awkward around Reid? Why did Hotch know before him? And what did he mean when saying that Reid knew? All Morgan knew was that he never wanted to leave Read alone ever again. Not for Reid’s sake but for his own. He wasn’t sure his heart could stand being away from him even a minute. The wall between them now was too much.

* * *

After the second night of not sleeping Morgan heard the shower in master being turned on. He stumbled to his feet and quickly got one going for himself too.

Somewhat awake after the shower he went to Reid’s room. The shower was still on.

“Spenser? Do you want breakfast here or downstairs?”

When there was no answer Morgan pushed the door to the empty room open. The bathroom door was closed.

“Reid…? You okay in there?”

“No…”

Morgan all but tore the unlocked door of its hinges and found the room packed with steam and the shower curtain separating him from Reid.

“Spenser…?”

“I can’t get…” Reid sounded exhausted and Morgan was wondering if he’d been crying, maybe he still was.

“Can I pull the curtain away?” Morgan didn’t even feel weird asking. He had to make sure Reid was okay with it but he was going to do whatever he could to help, and this was not too much to ask.

After a small silent pause, a small yes sounded and Morgan slowly removed the curtain. Reid was on the floor with his back against the corner and his knees pulled to his chin. Morgan turned off the, slightly too warm, water and grabbed a towel before hunching down in front of the younger man.

He covered Reid’s legs and arms with the towel. “Why are you sitting here?”

Reid looked down and pulled his legs a little closer.

“My knees started hurting so I sat down. I’m just too tired to get back up. Nothing works as I want it to.”

Clearly, Reid was worse off after this than he’d let show. It was hard to watch him like this, even harder because he knew there was another bigger problem behind. This wasn’t just an injury that would be forgotten when the wound healed. There was a reason this happened and that reason would still be there after.

Morgan gathered his thoughts and focused on what he could do in this moment. He reached for another towel and started drying the long hair making lines of water run over Reid’s face. He took a third towel and wrapped it around the guy’s shoulders.

“Let’s get you to a more comfortable place than this.” Morgan grabbed Reid’s arm and quickly pulled him to his feet. Reid just barely managed to hold the towel around his waist in the prosses.

“Can you walk?”

Reid nodded and took a step towards the door and tilted into Morgan’s arms.

“Hey. Take it easy, Angel. Just slow down a bit here.”

Morgan supported Reid back to the bed and got him seated on the mattress. When he was sure Reid wouldn’t fall head first to the floor, Morgan found a pair of boxers in Reid’s bag. Without thinking twice, he lifted the too hot feet into the pair and pulled them to Reid’s knees.

“Got it?”

Reid held on to the boxers and nodded. Morgan supported him slightly when he got up, but turned his back when Reid let the towel fall.

“Thanks.”

Morgan turned back to Reid who was already sitting on the edge again.

“Here lay down.” He lifted Reid’s legs op on the bed and with a heavy sigh Reid laid down and let Morgan pull the cover over him.

“Now, how about breakfast? Are you up for that?”

Reid looked like someone had just asked him to run a marathon. “Can I wait?”

“Sure but you need to eat some time today. You need more energy than this.” Morgan looked up and down Reid.

Reid smiled and nodded. “I will. That shower was just…”

“A lot. I know. Is there anything I can do?”

Reid looked at his hands fidgeting the edge of the cover. “Could you maybe stay? I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

With a relief that could almost get him flying, Morgan pulled over the only chair in the room and sat within reach on the weary man.

“Of course I’ll stay.”

Reid rolled to his side and pulled the cover over his shoulder, as if he was protecting himself from the conversation he undoubtedly was about to start.

“You called me Angel again.”

Morgan thought the whole situation over. He wasn’t sure but maybe.

“Did I?”

“You did. When I almost fell in the bathroom.”

Just like that the awkwardness was back. Morgan looked down and had no intentions of speaking or looking at the other guy.

“I’m okay you know… About how you feel.”

Morgan’s hands were shaking in the grip they had on his sweatpants. “But _I_ don’t even know how I feel. This is all messed up.”

“It’s not really. You just need to get it out of your head.” Reid’s voice were still quiet and it sounded like he could sleep at any second but he was talking clearly. “Explain it to me… Derek, try.”

Morgan’s hands froze and he just sat there staring at them for what seemed like hours. Finally he got mustered up enough strength to look at Reid. He was still lying on his side, looking questionable at Morgan.

“I don’t know Spencer.”

“What _do_ you know?”

Morgan took a deep breath and stood up. He paced the room a few times before he started talking.

“I know that I call you Angel when I get scared. I know that I kissed you as an impulse, not only once but twice.”

“Derek… That’s not feelings. That’s facts.”

Morgan stopped walking and turned his back on Reid.

“I know that I want to do it again.”

Morgan could hear Reid moving around in the bed, but he didn’t turn around. He just waited for the man to say something.

“And _I_ know that I didn’t sleep last night but I did when you were with me at the hospital, and it’s not because I’m not tired. I also know that I’m scared.”

Morgan turned around and looked at the smaller man sitting against the headboard. He looked Morgan in the eyes, but none of them knew how to continue.

Eventually, Morgan had to do something and he sat down again. He leaned in with his elbows on his knees and talked quietly.

“What are you scared of?”

Reid looked down to the opposite side from Morgan and sighed so quietly that Morgan almost missed it. When Morgan took Reid’s hand however, Reid looked back and nodded as if he was formally agreeing to speak.

“I’ve known for a long time how I felt about you and I was scared that I’d have to feel that way the rest of my life without you knowing it.”

“So why didn’t you say something? You’ve known about my… feelings longer than me. Even Hotch knew.”

The smile on Reid’s face were followed by a silent chuckle but the water in his eyes were almost overflowing. “It is only now you have given it any real thought, before you wasn’t sure or had just decided not to think about it, am I right?”

Derek nodded. He hated being analyzed like this, but sometimes it’s difficult to figure things out without someone else’s eyes.

“The thing that scared me most was how you’d react.”

Morgan sat up and tried to catch up. This was going too fast. He’d never though of men before. Sometimes a quick thought of Reid had pierced his mind, but he’d closed that down before it became a full picture. Reid’s hands were shaking and there was nothing Morgan wanted more than to take them in his, but he didn’t. He needed to think. He needed time.

He looked closer at Reid and realized that the thing the man in front of him was most scared of was happening right now. Or it wasn’t; Morgan wasn’t reacting. He just sat there while Reid’s breathing became faster but the second.

With one quick movement, Morgan sat on the mattress next to Reid and took both shaking hands in his.

“I don’t want to scare you. It’s the last thing I want; you know that. I need to figure this out.”

Reid’s head dropped to his chest and Morgan could swear that he heard the first tears land on the bed-cover. With one finger he lifted the man’s face up to look at him again.

“You do too. We need to figure this out together.”

Read swallowed and nodded ignoring the water running down his cheeks.

“Angel.” Morgan made sure they had eye-contact. “We have two weeks. Let us just use them on what feels right. No holding back and no secrets.”

With his lower lip quivering, Reid nodded in agreement and Morgan pulled him in for a hug.

When both of them were ready to let go, Morgan helped Reid lie back down and get under the covers.

“Are you still going to stay?”

With a slightly shaking hand, Morgan wiped a single remaining tear from Reid’s chin. “If you want me to.”

Reid nodded and took Morgan’s hand. He closed his eyes but quickly turned his face to the side and opened them again.

“What? Are you okay?”

Reid blinked a few times and squeezed a little harder on Morgan’s hand.

“I’ve been dizzy since the shower. I thought it would be better with my eyes closed, but it’s worse.”

“Try again. You need to sleep.”

Reid shook his head slowly. “I’ll fall of the bed and throw up. Maybe the other way around.”

Morgan nodded to himself and made a decision. “Will you let me help?”

Reid seemed confused for a second but then nodded and let go of his hand. Morgan got up and climbed in to the bed from the other side. Without getting under the covers he wrapped an arm around Reid’s chest and put his other hand deep into his hair. He massaged his head slowly but firm enough that he was sure Reid would feel it through his dizziness.

“Try again.”

Reid closed his eyes and quickly his hand came out from under the cover and took hold on Morgan’s on his chest. He held on tight and his breathing was fast.

“How do you feel?”

Reid hummed and took a deep breath. “The room is still spinning. Now, I just know I won’t fly off the bed.”

Morgan chuckled and rested his head on his upper arm. It wasn’t a comfortable position but as soon as Reid’s breathing slowed down and he felt the smaller man relax in his arms, Morgan fell asleep too.


	7. Angel

“Can I ask you something… about the…?”

“About my addiction?”

Morgan was tidying after dinner with his back turned towards Reid who was still at the table. Morgan had woken up an hour before Reid and with the burning wish of owning a baby-monitor, he’d made his way down to start on the food. He turned around and looked at the man looking more alert than this morning.

“Yeah… but you don’t have to explain anything. I’m okay with not knowing.” Morgan suddenly regretted asking. It’s was a private thing and he had no right to meddle whit that. “I’m sorry… it’s not…”

“It’s okay.”

Reid pushed himself up with a hand on the table on one on the back of the chair. His legs were definitely not okay, but he’d refused help getting down the stairs. With shaky steps, and a hand on the half wall between the table and the kitchen, he made his way to Morgan who was following his every move, ready to catch him.

“Derek. I want to explain it to you…” He took one of the large hands from the edge of the counter, Morgan was leaning against. “I’m just not sure how.”

Reid looked at their joined hands and Morgan felt an overwhelming urge to hold the man in front of him tight against his chest. He took a deep breath and let his shoulders drop an inch before he cradled Reid’s cheek with his free palm and breathed even easier when he felt Reid lean in to the touch. He let Reid’s hand go and held the other side of the pale face too, lifting it so the light brown eyes connected with the dark.

“It doesn’t have to be now.”

When Reid formed a small smile, Morgan did to, and when the younger man put his hands on the elder’s shoulder, Morgan couldn’t help but place a quick peck on Reid’s forehead.

The shaking of the body hugging him, prompted him to hold on a little tighter. Maybe it would be a good idea to get the exhausted man off his feet.

“How do you feel about watching some TV?”

Reid stood clear of Morgan and nodded. “Sure. Let’s see what’s on.”

* * *

Morgan had already checked the program for the night and made a mental note about the baseball match. The couch was bought at a three seater, but it was really to small for more than two, and maybe a dog or a kid, or two men who didn’t know what the appropriate distance between them was. The younger man had pulled his legs up next to him, and crumpled together against the armrest his feet was just an inch short of touching Morgan’s thigh. The match had only just started, but Morgan soon got the impression that Reid wasn’t following what was happening on the screen. Reid’s eyes looked heavy and soon his head started dipping forward. Just a little at first, but soon it was almost all the time. His was fighting hard to stay awake.

“Spencer? It’s fine if you want to go to bed.”

Reid shook his head and forced his eyes open and his neck straight.

Morgan noticed that he was shaking. Just a little but still.

“Are you cold?”

Reid was clearly aware that he’d been shaking, but he seemed surprised that Morgan had noticed. “No. I’m good. It’s just…” He straightened his neck and rolled his shoulders.

“Just what…? You in pain?”

Reid bit his lower lip and stretched one leg and let his foot drop to the floor. “I just can’t seem to relax. My joints is still kinda sore.”

No wonder he couldn’t relax, he was crumbled up against an armrest that only supported him to his waist and he could barely reach down on it with his elbow. His legs must have been working overtime not to touch Morgan.

“C’mere.” Morgan lifted his arm and gestured for Reid to sit against him. “Sit here. Give your legs a bit more room.”

Reid studied Morgan but finally smiled and shifted to press his side against Morgan’s and let the strong arm wrap itself around his shoulders.

“Better?”

Reid shifted a bit to get his legs situated, not worrying about how much his stress-free limbs let his feet press against the armrest. He nodded and in the prosses let his head lean heavier on Morgan’s chest.

How did the hair on that man smell of absolutely nothing and still give off a sent with such soothing effect? Morgan breathed in deep and slow, and realized that he too had been tense, but for how long he didn’t know. He didn’t remember the last time his shoulders had been abled to drop so low.

Morgan hadn’t followed the game and when he was almost sure Reid was sleeping, he considered turning it off, but then he noticed a small shiver on the man under his arm.

“Spencer?” He was only whispering, still not completely sure if Reid was awake. “Spencer, are you cold?”

There was no answer but the shivers was becoming more intense. Slowly and extremely careful, the strong mand moved the head and upper body of the smaller, down to rest in his lap. Like that he could just reach the blanket on the chair next to the couch. Reid was sleeping and Morgan held his breath as he covered him, hoping not to wake him up and that the thin blanket would be enough keep him warm.

With the TV turned off, the silence spread in the dark room. Only the almost unnoticeable breathing of the sleeping man was taking up space. The first minutes Morgan fought the urge, but eventually he gave in and with a light hand he combed his fingers through the soft hair on the sleeping man’s head. The confusion and doubt from the last days disappeared for a moment. Only one thing was clear, but also, only one thing was important.

All the things they had to figure out would have to wait, for right now he was only letting one thing fill his being. Love.

There was no doubt: He loved the man lying so peacefully with his head in his lap.

* * *

The blanket did its job for quite some time and Morgan was beginning to think that they would have to spend the whole night in the couch like that. Not that he would mind. Even with the moment lasting for almost an hour it was cut short by Reid’s first shiver.

Morgan was sure he was still sleeping. His breathing hadn’t changed. But he tried with a whisper anyway. “Spencer?”

There was no answer, but the shivers was getting more persisting. He buried his hands on the light brown curls and lifted the heavy head so he could slide out of the couch. For a moment he just took in the tranquil look on the face in front of him, but then an almost violent shudder made Reid pull air fast into his lungs and let it out with a sigh as he pulled his arms closer to his chest.

The strong agent kneeled down and gently picked the shaking body up in his arms. As he stood up Reid tensed and hummed in confusion, but didn’t open his eyes.

“Shh, Angel. Just taking you to bed.”

Half of the blanket escaped Reid’s body and left only his legs covered when he wrapped his arms around Morgan’s neck and pressed his head against his chest.

For a moment Morgan wondered if he was cold too, but his shaking was only in his knees. He calmed himself with a deep breath and began the journey towards the stairs.

* * *

When Morgan put Reid down, lying in the bed, the exhausted man moved a bit more and clutched his hands on Morgan’s shirt.

“Derek… wait…”

“It’s all good. I’m just getting you situated.”

When Reid managed to open his eyes enough to follow Morgan’s moves, he slowly let go. Morgan quickly grabbed the duvet and covered the trembling body and without hesitation laid down on the other side of the bed.

Reid stirred and rolled to his back. “Derek?”

Morgan realized that he couldn’t see him. “Got it. Hang on.” The big palm and strong arm had no problem rolling and exhausted Reid the rest of the way. He sat up for a second and folded the duvet under Reid’s feet and tugged it tight around him all the way to his ears.

“Thanks.” Reid’s eyes were dropping again.

Morgan placed his hand under Reid’s chin and brushed his thumb lightly over his cheekbone. “Of course. We clearly underestimated how much sleep you need.”

With closed eyes Reid sent Morgan a smile. “You called me Angel again.”

Morgan chuckled. “I know.”

With the reassurance from Reid’s smile growing on his lips. Morgan straightened his neck and kissed Reid slowly on the forehead.

“Sleep now Angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. I'm back in the game, and hopefully the next chapter wont take so long to post.
> 
> May I suggest that you go brush your teeth now? That was a lot of fluff. I'm not used to writing such sugar sweet stuff, but this was where it took me. Sometimes the characters choose the way.


	8. Real life is waiting

“ _How is he?_ ”

“He’s resting right now, but he’s much more awake than yesterday. He asked earlier if we could go by his apartment to pic up a few books.”

Morgan heard Hotch’s relieved chuckle on the line. “ _I guess that’s a good sign. I can bring a few when I stop by later._ ”

“Hotch. I’m not sure… he might be sleeping. He gets more tired in the afternoon.”

Morgan wasn’t sure if Reid wanted Hotch here, but there wasn’t any doubt that he himself would prefer that their boss would stay away.

“Is that Hotch?”

Morgan turned and saw Reid slowly making his way down the stairs, and then looked down at his watch.

“You’re up? It’s only been an hour.”

“I’m all rested. It’s boring up there.”

Morgan took Reid’s arm as he conquered the last two steps.

“ _Morgan?_ ”

Even when still holding the phone to his ear, Morgan had forgotten that there was someone on it.

“Yeah…”

“ _I he okay?_ ”

The feeling of Read moving more steady and not putting as much weight on his arm, somehow made the room lighter.

“Yeah… he is.”

“ _Good. Send me a list with the books he wants and I’ll see you in a few hours._ ”

There wasn’t time for Morgan to say anything before the call was ended. With a surrendering shake of his head he dropped the phone on the coffee table and joined Reid in the couch.

“I guess Hotch is coming.”

Reid stopped rubbing his knees and looked up. “When?”

He’d looked so much better that day. After both of them had slept all through the night they had had a full breakfast, and he’d only needed an hour of rest before he was good again. Now he looked exhausted and ready to hide from everything.

“Hey. It’s good. It’s just Hotch; he already knows. He’ll be here in a few hours. Do you want to change?”

Morgan didn’t think Reid would mind Hotch seeing him in sweatpants and a t-shit he’d most definitely slept in, but the oversized clothes was practically swallowing the smaller man and everyone could see it wasn’t his.

Reid looked down at himself and nodded as he came to the same conclusion. Morgan stood up and offered Reid a hand to do the same. It still took Reid forever to climb the stairs, but he was supporting most of his weight by himself.

“Are you still too hot for regular pants? Did Hotch bring the light gray ones to the hospital? They fit you looser, right?” Morgan’s hands stopped for a second going through Reid’s bag. Why would he know that? Had he been paying that much attention to his clothes? He shook his head and continued.

“They’re in there, I think. I wasn’t really thinking clearly when packing.”

Morgan found the pants, a short sleeved shirt and the most plain socks he could find; a dark red and a green with stripes in almost the same red.

“You have plenty of time for a shower, just don’t lock the door.”

“I won’t.”

He dropped the clothes on the bed and left the room. Reid was well enough that he didn’t need help with anything but the stairs, so there was no need for Morgan to stay. But the shower involved standing for longer and he wasn’t taking any chances with that.

* * *

They had had time to eat too before they heard Hotch’s car in the driveway. Morgan had thought about calling him to bring groceries, they were running low, but even though it meant leaving Reid alone with Hotch he really needed to get out of the house. He’d been thrown into this, Reid too, but he needed time alone.

The knock on the door, was expected, but still made both of them jump. Before Morgan had opened it all the way Hotch pushed in and hugged him as tight as he could with one arm. He sat the box of books on a table next to the door and took a few steps towards Reid, who had stood up from the couch, and then slowed down to a halt.

Reid was looking at his fingers fiddling in front of him.

“Good to see you up.”

It was the first time Morgan had heard Hotch hesitant like that. It was weird, but looking at Reid’s body; ready to climb under the rug on the floor, he would have been too. He walked to stand next to the younger man and wrapped a friendly arm abound his shoulders.

“Isn’t it? He’s getting less boring for each day.”

Morgan’s arm was lifted buy the back under it straightening and Reid shook his head.

“C’mon. Let’s go sit. He hasn’t quite gotten his sea-legs back.”

Morgan turned them around to the living area and took place in the chair opposite Reid’s spot in the couch. Hotch was smiling when he sat down next to Reid.

“I’m not staying long. I just wanted to see for myself that you were okay.”

Reid nodded and looked up from his nervous hands. “It’s okay, thanks for the books. I’m getting better.”

“Just let me know what else you need."

“Thanks.” Morgan cut it short.

Hotch turned back to Reid. “I’m not going to interrogate you, but I need to know…”

The frightened look on Reid’s face and his whole body tensing up, almost had Morgan jumping out of his seat to wrap himself around him.

“What…?” Reid didn’t break eyes contact with Hotch, but he looked like he could through up at any moment.

“I’ll do everything I can to make this go away, but I need to know if you’re still using.”

Air left Reid’s lungs in a long exhale, and Morgan wasn’t sure if anything made it back in. The young agents eye's traveled over the room to focus at nothing.

“Spencer.” Hotch put a hand on Reid’s shoulder. “I know you’re fighting, and I know you will win. I’ll fight for you, but I need to know how far you are.”

The tears in Reid’s eyes were apparent enough that Morgan had noticed, but when the first fell, he threw everything overboard and had both of Reid’s hands in one of his before it made it to his jaw. On his knees in front of the couch, he reached up with his free hand and wiped a few tears away with his thumb.

“Reid. Listen to me.”

If Morgan hadn’t been occupied with Reid, he’d might had to contain himself from throwing Hotch out on his ass. Reid nodded but kept his eyes on his knees.

“We can wait. You still have over a week, before we need to decide anything.”

One of Reid’s hand turned and grabbed on to Morgan’s. Morgan squeezed back and steadied a shaking knee with his other palm.

“Decide…?” Morgan looked at Hotch and received a reassuring smile.

“About the length of this vacation, or if it’s sick days…” He pushed Reid’s shoulder a bit back to turn him. “Spencer. Look at me.”

With the slowest and deepest breath Morgan had ever witnessed, Reid looked at Hotch.

“You still have a job. Are you hearing me?”

More tears fell as the agent nodded.

“Good. I’ll make sure everything is okay when you get back. You just make sure _you_ are okay.”

The second Hotch got a small nod from Reid he looked at the guy on the floor, and Morgan agreed with a silent nod, that he would do everything to make that happen.

* * *

It wasn’t that much later, Reid started gazing at the box by the door. He didn’t look that tired, but he was zoning out of the conversation.

“Spencer?”

Reid looked started at Morgan. He’d most definitely not heard anything about the mug Garcia had misplaced and had used two days going through the stages of grief, luckily finding it before the depression phase. That would have been hell on all of them without Morgan there...

“Do you want to go up and rest?”

Reid looked at Hotch and got a smile in return. “If you want to rest down here, I’ll be on my way.”

“No it’s okay.” He pushed himself up and Morgan, who had sat back in his chair, did too. Reid instinctively took his arm as he’d done so many times the last days. “I think I’ll go read for a while.”

Hotch stood up too, but stayed by the couch as Morgan and Reid walked through the arch.

Reid picked a book and let Morgan walk him to the stairs. Out sight, Morgan turned Reid to look at him. He took his hands around the book and talked quietly. “I’ll go up with you if you want.”

Reid smiled and shook his head. “No. I’m just going to read. I think…”

“What?”

Reid looked at the book and only when Morgan moved a hand to his shoulder, did he continue.

“I might need some time alone. You know, time where I’m not sleeping.”

The guilty voice would have been torture to Morgan, but not now. He knew how he felt, and he could stop Reid from feeling that way. He pushed Reid’s face up to look at the smile he couldn’t help but making.

“Me too.” He winked at the guy and saw him smile too. “Do you mind if I go shopping? I’ll ask Hotch to stay while I’m out.”

Reid’s gaze touched the arch to the living room, but soon returned. He took a backwards step up the first step and placed a quick kiss on Morgan’s cheek before he turned and started on the rest of the climb.

* * *

“You’re sure he’s alright?”

Morgan nodded at Hotch, who hadn’t sat down since they left the room.

“I’m sure. We’re both a little worn out. Do you mind staying while I go to the store? I need air.”

Hotch shook his head, but looked towards the opening Reid had disappeared out of.

“He’s okay with it.”

“Then, sure. Take your time.”

Morgan made a b-line for the door, but was stopped halfway there.

“Derek?”

Morgan froze in his tracks. Hotch hesitating about something couldn’t be good. It definitely couldn’t be something either of them wanted to talk about.

“How are you?”

Morgan sighed and turned back around.

“What do you mean? I’m good.”

There was nothing to be confused about. Morgan knew exactly what Hotch was asking about.

“Did I do the right thing locking the two of you up together…?” Hotch took a step closer so he could see the stairs leading up to Reid. “Is this… well, this thing with you. Is it wearing on him? Are you okay to take care of him?”

There was doubt in Hotch’s eyes, but there was something else too. Concern. Hotch had always been the leader, the protector of the group, whether they wanted it or not, but this wasn’t work. It was private and somehow it showed that much clearer on the stoic man.

How was Morgan going to answer that? Only just now he realized how grateful he was to have been forced into this. Morgan turned, grabbed his jacket and opened the door. Looking at the first stone step outside, he stopped just for a second.

“You did the right thing.”


	9. Next step

Still working on the top button in his shirt, Reid stopped outside Morgan’s room. For two nights now Reid had been well enough to sleep alone.

“Maybe we could go by the apartment and pick up some more clothes. It would be good with something that’ll fit me.”

Reid’s go-bag had enough clothes for a week or so, but it was work clothes, which in his case meant dress pants and slim fit button-down shirts. Sitting in the couch all day, with a body that couldn’t decide if it was too hot or cold, Morgan’s t-shirts and sweatpants had been more comfortable.

“If you feel up for the drive.”

“I do. I haven’t been out of the house for four days.”

Morgan followed Reid down the stairs and took notice once again how he was recovering. It seemed to be going faster for each day.

The last few days the mood in the house had been lighter. After Hotch’s visit, it seemed okay to talk about work and the team again. But somehow breakfast was weirdly quiet. Reid hadn’t said much since the request and Morgan couldn’t figure out why he was suddenly silent.

“You okay? Still feel up to driving?”

Reid looked up with a slight thinking-frown. “Yeah. I’m just trying to remember everything I need.”

Morgan nodded and got up to clear the dishes away and threw a notepad and a pencil in front of Reid in the prosses.

* * *

The visit to the apartment was quick. Morgan hardly had time to sit on the couch before Reid had filled another duffel and was headed to the door.

Since both of them was appropriately dressed for once, they decided to eat out on the way back. Morgan’s house was far enough out of town that they could find a place on the way there where they wouldn’t run into anyone they knew. Reid had insisted on sitting in the corner so he could see everything. Morgan didn’t think much of it at first, he often did the same thing just out of habit from the job, but on the way out Reid had still been looking over his shoulder.

They drove home in silence. Maybe it had been too soon for Reid to be in public after the hospital stay. He was so much better but still tired and his loose joints made him more clumsy than normal. He must have thought that people could see that he wasn’t well.

Back at the house, Morgan had asked if Reid wanted to relax or maybe read one of the new books he’d brought. The younger man had thanked him for the drive and lunch and then walked to his room.

Morgan looked around the empty room. He was going stir-crazy in that house. The first two days he’d been taking care of Reid and that had been more than enough, even when the guy had been sleeping Morgan’s mind had run a hundred miles an hour. Yesterday, Reid and he had watched a lot of TV and when Reid was resting, Morgan had cleaned the whole house. He turned his back to the room and walked out. It had been a month since he’d cleaned the car. Maybe the engine could benefit from a onceover too.

Outside he could breathe a little easier, and working on the car was the closet he’d been to normal since he walked in to the BAU, five days ago. What was normal now? It could never be the same as before. He didn’t want it to be the same, but he’d always had a plan, always known what he wanted and now he couldn’t plan anything. Work was one thing, it took him where it did and nothing was ever the same, but home… home he had control. Now, he didn’t even know the outcome of this day.

He looked up and saw Reid’s window closed. He must have been cold again. The sun was baking on the side of the house, the room would get hot fast with the window closed. Picturing the smaller guy in the chair by the window with a book in his hands, made Morgan aware of the smile spreading on his face.

Nodding to himself, he opened the door to the cabin and popped the hood. Nothing was going to be like before, but they just had to find a new normal. The warmth spreading inside him, fighting to overpower the sun on his back, when he thought of Reid, that was worth fighting for.

The engine was in pristine condition, Morgan already knew that, so after a quick check he decided that the cabin and trunk probably was most in need of cleaning, even though it was the least interesting to do. He found the vacuum cleaner and opened the trunk. Now illuminated  by the bright sun, he saw the small bag, containing Reid toiletries, was lying in the corner of the open space. He cleaned one side of the trunk and moved it over so he could clean the rest. He almost closed the trunk, to go clean the rest of the car. Maybe he realized that he’d just forget about it or maybe he needed an excuse to go check on Reid. Either way, he picked up the bag and soon he was knocking at the bedroom door.

“Reid?” Morgan was speaking quietly, not to scare the guy if he was sleeping. “Are you awake?”

“Come in.”

The voice was further away than Morgan had expected, and when he opened the door, he was confirmed that Reid was in the bathroom.

“You forgot your beauty bag in the car.”

It felt good, that Reid was good enough that he was able to joke around him again.

“I’m just getting out of the shower. Just put it next to the duffle on the dresser.”

“You sure you don’t need it.”

“I still have some shampoo from my go-bag, besides I’m getting dressed now.”

Morgan put it on the dresser and sat down on the bed for a second and took in the look of the room. So far Reid had taken all focus in here, now he was able to see the sparse way Reid had gotten situated. The new duffle was on the dresser, his go-bag on the chair next to it. His used clothes was folded neatly and put on the floor by the foot of the bed. Over a week more, maybe longer, like this would be torture to Morgan and from the way Reid organized his briefcase, he imagined that he was already suffering.

It didn’t take long for Morgan to decide on two drawers he could empty out for Reid to use. Morgan didn’t live in the house except for vacations, and last time it had been Christmas and below freezing so he had a lot he didn’t need now. As he was pulling out blankets from the first large drawer he tried to remember when he’d last cleared out space for someone in his apartment or in any house but for the life of him, he couldn’t. When he placed one of the thicker blankets on the chair next to the bed, he had come to the conclusion that he hadn’t had any long-term relationships since Reid joined the team years back. When he started on the second drawer, he’d realized that the guy in the bathroom was the first person who had made him feel that confused and unconfident and at the same time have no doubt that they were moving down the right path.

A sound broke his line of thought and froze the smile on his face. He knew that sound, glass against glass. His eyes played a film of his own hand picking up the pencil case from Reid’s coffee table. Holding his breath he lifted the sweater he’d moved and the sight of three vials with clear liquid made his legs disappear under him and he dropped to his knees.

* * *

The first thing Reid saw, when he appeared in the door, was the open drawer. Morgan was sitting quiet on the foot end of the bed, holding the vials in his open hand. It took a second for Reid to catch up and throw away the look of a deer caught in headlights. He took a few steps into the room.

“I can expla…”

“No. Just no!” Morgan stood up and Reid froze. “You can’t explain anything! You brought this shit into my house? _MY HOUSE!_ ”

With shaking hands he almost crushed the bottles trying to contain himself. “This almost killed you! Fuck Reid! You scared the shit out me!”

Morgan took a step closer, but watching Reid step back, he turned and took a deep breath before walking further away. He needed to scream and he had no bigger desire than to tie that kid to a chair and stop him from hurting himself, but right now he had to control himself to not start throwing punches. He needed a few seconds not looking at Reid.

“Hotch might loose his job from not reporting this! I thought you were just scared of losing your job after the overdose. I never thought…”

Morgan turned and found Reid in the same place. He was scared. It tore Morgan in half to scare him like that, but he couldn’t stop.

“I took you in and you’re keeping this from me. Fuck…! I took care of you. I slept next to you! I gave everything and you didn’t. You _LIED_ to me!”

Morgan did his best to ignore the tears rolling down Reid’s face, and he fought the urge to go over and wipe them away when he realized that Reid just let them fall. The guy’s arms were immobile like the rest of him.

It took Morgan a few deep breaths to make sure he wouldn’t throw the smaller man against the wall passing him, before he rushed by him to the bathroom.

“No… Derek…” Reid’s voice was small but desperate and when he realized that there was no way back, he sounded almost panicked. “Please don’t…”

Morgan almost broke the glass when tearing the caps of the bottles and pouring the liquid into the sink and turned on the water.

“Do you have more?!”

Reid was on his knees, breathing fast and had his eyes locked on the floor. He shook his head.

“Where are your needles?” Morgan talked clear and slow, he’d lost the sight of Reid’s face and had to make sure he heard him.

Reid’s breathing took up pace and it clearly took force to sit up straight. The begging eyes didn’t have any effect on the demanding ones looking down at him, but Morgan’s stomach threatened to eject the dinner they’d had in the diner. Seconds of staring contest went by before Reid yielded and pointed to the drawer.

Morgan flew past the crying mess on the floor and tore more sweaters out and found a little box. Opening it, he laid eyes on four syringes and quite a few needles packed in sterile plastic. With no hesitation, he emptied the content in the trashcan, put the plastic bag on the floor and placed the box on top before stepping on it. The crash of the braking glass syringes was covered by a loud cry and Reid’s palms hit the floor hard in front of him.

Controlling his own shaking hands and trying not to make his voice crack, Morgan looked at the hunched over man.

“More I should know about?!”

Reid shook his head, fighting to get his high-pitched breathing working through the crying.

“If you’re lying! If I find more, I’m done!”

“No…” One of Reid’s hands hit his chest and stayed there making the other arm give and his elbow collided with the floor. “No… no more…”

Studying Reid’s breathing, Morgan put the bag back in the trashcan. Reid skipped a breath and Morgan took a step closer and when the next only was a gasp for air, clearly not letting much in, the strong man was already hunched down next to him. Reid kept gasping, shorter, louder and faster, and the hand on his chest clutched his t-shirt and pulled it so Morgan thought he might tear the neckline.

“Spenser. You’re panicking.”

He tried pulling the rigid man up to sit, but he was crumbled tight in on himself and even Morgan couldn’t move him. The older man sat on his knees on front of the young and took both shaking shoulders firmly, talking quieter.

“Hey breathe. C’mon Spencer, you know how to do this.” He was able to push him up a little. “In through your nose. You can do this.”

He didn’t regret for one second what he’d done, but the wet face and scared eyes meeting him when Reid sat up a bit more, made it run cold down his back.

“I’m…” Reid was in no condition to talk. Panic still screaming through sobs and wheezing breaths. “Dere… I’m…”

“Later Spencer. You just breathe now.” Morgan took Reid’s hand from his chest and held it tight. Prompting the man to look up at him for just a second before he had to concentrate on the air again.

Morgan coached him through a few more minutes of breathing before Reid was able to let go of the floor and sit up all the way. Slowly, he got quiet.

“You ready to move to the bed?”

Reid kept his eyes down but nodded and let Morgan pull him up on half unresponsive legs. Almost lifting the guy, he got the weakened man seated on the edge of the bed. When he was steady, Morgan threw the blanket from before on the floor and pulled the chair over to sit in front of the man now crying silently.

He took both hands in his and took a deep breath before he spoke slowly. “Are you going to let me help you for real now? No lies, no secrets?”

Reid sniffled and let our an almost inaudible sob. “It’s too hard.”

He didn’t think it was possible for him to feel more physical pain, but Morgan’s heart and stomach proved him wrong at the voice indicating that Reid had given up completely. He sat on the edge of the chair and sought eye-contact and finally got it.

“You’re not alone this time, Angel.”

A small hint of confusion brushed over the otherwise blank face.

“Lie down and rest. Maybe get some sleep.” Morgan lifted a paralyzed man’s legs into the bed. “When was the last time you took something?”

The fear was back instantly and Morgan grabbed the tense shoulder, waiting for Reid to give in.

“Before the shower. Not a lot… I… Just to take the edge off. Derek I’m…”

“Calm down Spencer. I’ll stay here and wake you in an hour or two and then we’ll talk.”

Reluctantly, Reid got lying down and Morgan sat back in the chair. He had to think and when Reid turned his back, a frown slowly formed on the older agent’s forehead as his eyes focused on nothing.


	10. Anticipation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid and Morgan gets help to prepare themselves for what to come. Reid's memories makes everything harder and Morgan finds out more about how this last year and a half has been for Reid.

After watching controlled breaths roll over Reid’s back for almost an hour and noticing a few sporadic sniffles now and again, Morgan decided that enough was enough. Reid was not going to sleep and he was probably as calmed down as he was able to get.

The last message from his contact at the hospital made his phone vibrate in his hand and for the fifth time he wondered if Reid had heard it. He read it and put the phone on the bedside table before sitting at the edge of the chair again.

“Spencer?”

Reid’s back tensed up and Morgan couldn’t help but let his fingers glide slowly over his spine. To his relief he felt Reid take a deeper breath under his touch.

“Spencer. Turn around and look at me, please.”

It took a few long seconds but eventually a silent Reid rolled to his back and pushed himself up against the headboard. He didn’t look up though. Morgan leaned in and watched Reid pull his knees up in front of himself and hide his fidgeting fingers behind his thighs.

“Listen. We need to start someplace so I’m just gonna say it…” Morgan didn’t know if he’d expected a reaction to that, but even his pause didn’t provoke one. “Bringing the drugs here and hiding if from me, that is not okay and you will never do that again. Do you understand?”

Reid bit his lower lip and nodded his head in tiny shakes.

“Good. Everything has been said and I won’t bring it up again.” With a calm hand Morgan covered Reid’s and stilled them. “You and me. We’re still okay.”

Reid nodded again but turned his head away from Morgan.

“Spencer?”

“I…” Reid shook his head slowly as if he was arguing with himself about continuing. “Derek. I can’t. I wish I could, but it’s too hard, please just…”

“Just what…?” Morgan pulled one of Reid’s hands, prompting him to turn a little towards him. “Just leave you alone? Give up on you?”

Reid bit his lip again and tried to pull his hand away but Morgan held on tight.

“That’s not gonna happen. Hey, look at me.”

Reid didn’t move and he didn’t look up. Morgan pulled the smaller man’s legs towards himself and let the feet fall to the floor, making Reid sit on the edge of the bed facing him. He held both of the slightly shaking hands in one of his and pushed Reid’s chin upward with the other. When Reid’s eyes followed his face and they finally looked at each other, Morgan had expected to see tears building but his eyes were just as empty as his face were blank.

“Don’t give up on me. Not now.”

“I’m sorry Derek.”

“Don’t be. Just fight this.”

Reid broke eye-contact and turned his head away again. “I’ve tried. I’m not strong enough.”

By now Morgan had gathered that Reid had tried kicking this addiction before and he was clearly scared, if it was for the process or for possibly failing, he had no idea, but he had to make him understand that it was different now.

“You’re stronger than you know, and this time I’m here. As I see it you have two choices; either I help you here and now or you go home and I call Hotch.” Reid’s breathing stopped and for a second his hand returned the tight grip Morgan had on it.

“You know Hotch will have to make you go into a program if you want to stay at the BAU.”

Morgan watched the light in Reid’s eyes turn off. He turned his head back, looked into them and saw nothing but fear.

“Please let me help you. I’ll be with you… Even if you don’t let me help now, you can always call me.”

Reid gasped and swallowed only to follow up with two new fast gasps for air. Morgan grabbed his face with both hands. He talked quietly but firm as he forced the eye-connection between them.

“No, no. Spencer. Don’t do that. Regular breathing, c’mon.”

Reid nodded with what little room he had to move and took a few deep breaths. When Morgan was satisfied that Reid wouldn’t start the panic all over, he sat a bit further back on the chair and took Reid’s hands in both of his.

“Good. We’re not doing that again. Now, tell me; what the hell is scaring you that much?”

Reid took a few more deep breaths and Morgan let him take his time to think over his next words.

“I’ve tried to stop before. I can’t do it again.” He swallowed and took yet another long breath. “Derek. It almost killed me.”

The fear on Reid’s voice was real enough to knock the air out of Morgan. Thinking back over the one and a half year since Reid had been abducted; he hadn’t had any time of, like always he was never sick and hadn’t used vacation days. When would he had tried this? It couldn’t have been in the beginning; he wouldn’t have been an addict long enough for it to feel like he was dying. Morgan’s head was hurting and he soon realized that he had used too much time to think and that Reid was shakily waiting for him to say something.

“Listen. I’ve asked a doctor I know to help.”

“No, Der…” Within a second Reid’s breathing was threatening with hyperventilation again.

“Hold on, Spencer. I’m not forcing you to do anything, but hear me out, okay?”

A longer more steady breath followed the quiet _okay_ , passing Reid’s lips.

“Steph can come over if we want it. She’ll bring everything we need and she will leave as soon as you tell her to.”

Reid studied Morgan’s face, and Morgan let him have enough time for the information to register.

“You don’t understand. It’s terrifying… it’s worse than being back there.”

“Back at Hankle’s?”

Before Reid had time to nod once, Morgan was sitting next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“You’re right I don’t understand, but I promise that I’m going to be next to you the entire time. This time you’re not alone. I figure you were before?”

“Yes.” Reid’s voice cracked and Morgan’s eyes build tears witch Reid thankfully couldn’t see as he leaned into the strong arm holding him.

“Okay. You tell me about the last time you tried this, so I know what to look out for and we talk to the doctor to make sure you’re safe. How do you feel about that?”

“I hate it…”

Reid was crying now. His breathing was ragged and a wet spot under Reid’s face was growing on Morgan’s t-shirt. The only thing left were to hold the man close, there was nothing else to say.

“You’re not angry? You won’t leave?”

Morgan’s heart sunk. Reid was terrified. He wanted to lift his head to look him in the eyes again, but he couldn’t convince his arms to unwrap themselves from around the sniffling man. Morgan held on tighter and buried one of his hands in the wavy hair and rested his chin on the top of Reid’s head.

“I’m not angry and I’ll stay here. I will hold you like this all the time if you need me to.”

The sound of a few more sniffles filled the room but then Reid swallowed.

“I still hate it.”

“I know.” Morgan hated it too. God knew, he hated seeing Reid like this; how much he hated feeling Reid whimpering in his arms like this, and knowing that he hadn’t seen nothing yet.

“Okay.”

* * *

The conversation with the doctor had been one-sided except for the short answers Reid couldn’t escape. Morgan had the impression that Reid didn’t want him to hear the facts about, how long, how much and how often, but Reid’s hand locked around his, was proof enough that he had to be there.

After the interrogation she walked back to the bags she’d planted by the door, lifted them up on the smaller dresser and waved Morgan over.

It took a moment to convince Reid that he wouldn’t leave the room even when Reid let go. Morgan brushed a hand down Reid’s upper arm before he left him to join his old friend on the other side of the room.

“Steph, is this a bad idea?” Morgan was talking quietly enough that he was sure Reid wouldn’t hear him. “He’s scared. How bad is this?”

The woman pulled a few things out of the bag and handed Morgan a cuff for measuring blood pressure. “He seems otherwise healthy, he’s young and if everything he’d just told us is the truth, I’m positive that this will be safe. It’s not gonna be easy though, for either of you.”

She pulled a stethoscope out and hung it around her neck. “Nervousness is the first symptom, but he seems more scared than I anticipated, which leads me to believe that he’d tried this before.”

Morgan looked back at Reid, seemingly small enough to hide under the pillow, but still keeping an attentive eye on the two other persons in the room. “He has. I don’t know how or when, but he has tried to stop.” Morgan swallowed and looked unfocused at the bags. “He said it almost killed him.”

The doctor stopped what she was doing and put a hand on Morgan’s shoulder. “One of the things he’ll go through is severe anxiety. You have to be prepared for that, Derek. It’s probably why he thought that. He’s been using for under two years and he’s been able to work, he’s not going to die, you hear me?”

Morgan nodded and smiled at her while she pulled a few more things out and walked back towards the bed. Morgan was there first and had Reid’s hand before she’d sat on the edge of the mattress. Reid pressed his back harder against the pillow between him and the headboard.

“One more thing we need to know and then I’ll just check your blood pressure.”

Reid squeezed tight on Morgan’s hand but agreed.

“When did you try this last? Can you tell us how far you got?”

Reid looked confused at first but then his chin quivered and he bit his lip. Morgan put his free hand on his shoulder and when Reid looked up, he gave him an encouraging smile. With a slow, but slightly shaking breath, Reid pulled his knees up and locked eyes on them.

“I stopped for 21 hours. The pain got too much and then my heart…” He stopped himself and blinked to hold back tears. Morgan felt the hand twitching in his as if Reid wasn’t sure if he should pull it away. He must have been terrified.

“It’s okay. You got scared, I guess you were alone.” The doctor waited for Reid to nod. “Spencer, when was this?”

Reid lost his fight with the tears as he looked up at Morgan. “I was going to call in sick… after the day off.”

“Last week…?”

Reid swallowed and hit his face in his arms folded on his knees. He’d tried this only a week ago, alone in the apartment. He’d ended up taking too much. Morgan’s stomach dropped and on autopilot he rubbed Reid’s back. Only when he caught the doctor’s eyes, he realized that he had to explain to her.

“He…” Morgan had trouble finding the words to explain this. He hated that word. That word was connected to everything that had happened from he’d found Reid on the floor till the exhausted man was able to climb those stairs by himself. He took a deep breath and looked down for a second to gather his thoughts.

“He overdosed a week ago. I told you that, right…? In a text?”

She nodded and leaned in to touch Reid’s lower arm.

“It happens, more than you know, when someone tries to do this on their own. The anxiety becomes fear and when your heart started beating faster, you got too desperate to stop it. Listen, Spencer…”

She looked at Morgan, and the still stunned man, snapped out of it and rubbed Reid’s back a little firmer.

“Spencer? Are you listening to this?”

Reid sniffled and nodded with his forehead still rested on his arms.

“Good.” The doctor lowered her head to get a bit closer. “Now, this is not a problem. The overdose won’t make this dangerous and you are not going to die, do you understand?”

Reid nodded and surprisingly he followed as the woman took his arm and wrapped the cuff around it. She looked at Morgan.

“Do you know how to do this?”

“Yeah, I can check a blood pressure.”

The doctor nodded to herself and started pumping air. Finally, Reid looked up and by the more eased look on his face, Morgan’s stomach seemed to calm itself. The younger man looked at nothing up until the doctor had finished and demanded his attention.

“I sense that you want me out of here as fast as possible. I’ll leave you in a minute. Let me just talk to Derek first.” The statement and the smile she sent both of them reassured Morgan that this in fact wasn’t dangerous. He knew her well enough that if she thought there was the slightest chance that they were in over their heads, she would stay.

Reid once again let Morgan go to the other side of the room. Speaking quietly, she gave Morgan the impression that she didn’t wat to drop every information on Reid at once. She handed Morgan quite a few things and wrote down how and when to use them. She took her time explaining what they could expect and everything to look out for; one of which was dehydration. Morgan convinced her that he knew how to set an IV if needed. They were both sure that putting that information on Reid before he needed it would make him even more nervous.

Only after Morgan had repeated everything, did the doctor walk to the door. “I’ll find my way out. Call me with any question.” She turned to Reid and smiled. “You’ll do good. Derek’s got you and if it gets too much you tell him to call me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be able to post the next chapter during the weekend or first days of next week. I have it pretty much laid out.


	11. Tough Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid is freaking our and Morgan is doubting almost everything.  
> A lot of hurt/comfort, awkwardness and angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I just noticed how many views this story has. I know that a chaptered one get a lot of extra ones, but wow. Thanks for reading and thanks for every comment I've gotten so far. 
> 
> This is a longer chapter, but it felt wrong cutting it before I did. Hope you enjoy.

Reid hadn’t wanted to spend the day in the bedroom, so Morgan had used the opportunity to get him out in the sun. The little square of grass behind the house wasn’t much of a garden, but it was open enough that a breeze could cool them down some while sitting on the blanket. Reid hadn’t said a lot and eventually Morgan had given up on the conversation and put some music on. He’d already asked if he should get a book for Reid, but he had declined the offer. Morgan was sure he had way to much going on in his head to concentrate on anything anyway.

When the sun hid behind the next building Reid silently got up and walked inside, leaving Morgan to bring in the blanket, water bottles and radio. He found the guy in the living room, back turned to the door and looking out the window.

“Are you hungry? It’s been almost half a day since we ate.”

Reid shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. It didn’t seem like he looked at anything specific outside, but it was clearly more important than Morgan behind him. Morgan did his best to relax his shoulders before he walked to Reid and turned him slowly by his shoulders and took his hands.

“I can’t do anything if you close down on me. Tell me what you need.”

Reid pulled his hands away and crossed his arms again. “This is awkward, its better if I do this alone. Just drive me home.”

It was awkward. They had used the last few days to get used to being around each other after their mutual confession of feelings and now they had to put that aside. Morgan had used the hours spent in the garden to convince himself that he could do that. He was going to get Reid through this and he was not going to let whatever was going on between them be an excuse for either of them.

“You’re not doing this alone and I’m not letting you go home. Awkwardness or not. You’re not going to use again.”

“I can’t take anything. You took everything away, remember?”

The blame and bitingly tone on Reid’s voice was new. One thing Morgan hadn’t foreseen was having to fight Reid on cravings this early. Going home, being alone made it too easy for him to get something fast. He would end up right back where he started.

“Derek, I’m okay. I won’t do anything stupid again. I have nothing left. I just need to be alone I can’t have you helping me.”

“I’m what you get.” Morgan took both of Reid’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. “It’s me or Hotch. It’s okay if you want him to come.”

Reid tensed up and locked his jaw. When he broke eye-contact he turned his back to Morgan and the older man decided that he’d let him be for now.

* * *

Morgan had been checking on Reid, or mostly spying on him through the glass in the kitchen door, for a few hours. The young man had been pacing the floor, sitting on the couch and spent a lot of time silently by the window. The last four times Morgan had checked he’d been on the couch with his knees pulled to his chin, but now he had his feet on the floor and his head hidden in his arms folded on his knees. Morgan stood there for a few seconds, before pushing the door and walking in.

“Spencer?”

He didn’t have to get close before he noticed the strained breathing shaking Reid’s back. Slowly and silently, he sat down on his knees in front of the man.

“C’mon man. Don’t panic on me.”

“Derek…” Reid was already controlling this on his own and his clear voice made Morgan breathe a bit easier himself. “Please… just let me go. This is not right.”

Morgan took one of Reid’s hands from under his forehead and held it in both of his, surprised at how tight Reid grabbed on to him.

“Hey, you’re scared. It’s okay but hang on to that big beautiful brain a little longer. You know that this is going to be okay. The doctor was here and we can call her the second we need it.”

It took a few seconds, but eventually Reid took a breath, deeper than the controlled ones he’d forced till now, and lifted his head.

Morgan pushed his chin up with a finger till they were eye to eye. “Tell me what’s going on. I need to know what’s happening... You know I won’t think less of you, right?”

Reid nodded slightly and swallowed. “I hate sitting still, walking helps, but walking back and forth one more time might make me insane.”

“Okay, how do you feel about a walk outside? You’re sweating and the cold air might help.”

Reid looked at is watch. “Not too far. It’s been over nine hours. Last time I started shaking at ten and a half.”

“Okay.” Morgan smiled while he took Reid’s other hand and loosened his watch. “You don’t need this. It’s just an opposite placebo.”

“It’s called the nocebo effect.”

“See, there’s that brain of yours.”

* * *

The cold evening air had done Reid good. He seemed more relaxed and the jacket Morgan had grabbed for him on the way out of the door had come in handy when the smaller man had cooled down enough to feel the sweat on his t-shirt.

They hadn’t walked more than half an hour before Reid said he was cold and they turned around. When they got inside and Morgan took the jacket of Reid’s back, he suddenly seemed more tired than a normal walk could make him. As he grabbed the railing bending down to get his shoes off, Morgan instinctively supported him with firm hands on his waist, but when he was steady Morgan backed off quickly.

This was indeed awkward. What was expected of a friend in this situation? What was too much? It was obvious that he would step back from trying to figure out the relationship, but other than the forehead- and hand-kisses, what was not okay? Taking it as it comes had to be the only way to go, but it was already making him insecure.

“What time is it?”

“It’s late. Wanna lie down? Maybe try to get some sleep?”

They both knew perfectly well that sleep was of the table but Reid agreed anyway and Morgan was pleased that at least he would get some rest.

Reid climbed under the duvet fully dressed in sweatpants and t-shirt. Lying on his side, he took the edge of the cover and pulled it to his ear.

“I’ll get you something to drink. You sure do don’t want anything to eat? Even some toast would do you good.”

“I’m not hungry.” He sniffled, but Morgan hadn’t heard any sign that he was crying. Maybe the temperature changes had gotten to him.

“I’ll only be a minute.”

He hadn’t lied. Within a minute he was back in the room, slightly winded, with a cooler containing two kinds of juice, a Gatorade and some water bottles. He took seat on the chair next to Reid and put the box on the floor.

“Here. You need it.” He held a bottle of water in front of Reid.

Slowly, Reid gave in and pushed himself up to sit against the headboard and took the bottle.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m…”

He sniffled again and Morgan got up to get some paper from the bathroom.

“Thanks.” He blew his nose and reached over to discard it in the trashcan still containing the broken syringes. “I feel sick…”

Reid was biting his lip and looking down at the bottle in his hands.

“Drink some of that. I get it, you’re nauseous and can’t eat, but you need to drink.”

Reid nodded and somehow seemed a bit relieved as he took a few large swallows of the cold water. Morgan looked at the stuff the doctor had left on the dresser and wondered if it was the right time. Looking back at Reid who was clearly getting warm again and unquestionably aware where this was heading, he decided that it had to be his own decision.

“We got some B-vitamin shots. You need the energy when you’re not eating, they might help with the nausea too.”

Reid looked surprised, but more confused. “No… thanks.”

“Just tell me if you change your mind. Remember to think. I refuse to believe that your brain have left the building.”

A small smile barely showed itself on Reid’s lips before his face folded in deep thought and worry. He took another sip of water and placed the bottle on the nightstand and took some more of the paper Morgan had brought. Morgan was starting to doubt that spending the day in the garden and the walk so late at night had been a good idea, but he figured that the sniffles fit with the sweating and the slight shaking of hands.

The worry on Reid’s face was followed with him pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Morgan put a hand over Reid’s joined ones and felt a kick in his stomach when the younger man turned his head the other way.

“If it’s too weird I can call Hotch. You that’s not a threat. He’ll help you here too if you don’t want it to be me.”

Reid let go of his own hands and used both of them to take Morgan’s. He was sweating more, but the head on that man was the biggest issue right now.

“You…” Reid swallowed and lifted his head but didn’t turn. “You said you wouldn’t leave.”

Morgan covered Reid’s chin with his free hand and fought Reid to turn his head. Tears were running down his chins and, not sure if it was the right thing to do, Morgan resisted brushing them away with his thumb.

“And I won’t. If you don’t want Hotch here, nothing can make me leave you.”

Reid’s chin quivered and new tears fell. “I don’t want to do this. Derek, I’m scared.”

“I know you are.” Morgan handed Reid some more of the paper and already dreaded having to leave him to get more. “Listen, the withdrawals is making you freak out, but it doesn’t mean that the fear isn’t real for you. I know that.”

The paper landed in the trash and Reid took some time just looking at his double grip on Morgan’s hand.

“How about we try to get the nausea knocked down a bit, huh?”

The relief touched over Morgan like the evening breeze they had walked through earlier, when Reid bit his lip and nodded.

Helping Reid lying down was slow, but mostly because Reid was hesitant still. Morgan covered him with the duvet. The shaking hand clinging to his when he left for the dresser made him bring everything and some more paper, so he didn’t had to leave Reid’s side again.

“Hey. You ready?”

It looked like Reid did his best to smile when he nodded. Morgan sat down on the edge of the mattress, holding the syringe away from Reid.

“I can do it in the shoulder…”

Reid shook his head and rolled to his side. Morgan was secretly happy. The shoulder would hurt like hell. The muscle wasn’t big enough. Reid pushed the duvet forward so his middle was showing.

“You good with this?”

“The ventrogluteal site is best.”

“Okay, Doctor. I’ve got you.”

Morgan was pretty sure the ventrogluteal was what the doctor had said and what she’d talked about was where he was injected when he had had food poisoning a few years back. Morgan almost never got sick, but when it happened, he did it properly.

He lifted Reid’s t-shit a little and made a mental note that he needed to get him out of that wet piece of clothing. Luckily his pants didn’t need to be pulled down further. He placed the heel of his hand on Reid’s hip and spread his index and middle finger over the skin below the waist. He let go to clean the area. Reid jumped with a gasp when the cold alcohol touched his burning skin.

“Hey. No surprises. I’ll tell you when.”

Morgan put on one of the cloves, from the box she’d left them too, and cleaned the skin again, this time without much of a reaction. Maybe Reid actually still trusted him. He took the cap of the needle and placed his gloved hand on the hip again.

“Here we go.”

“Okay.”

Controlled and fast, Morgan pressed the needled into the muscle. Reid held his breath but as long as he didn’t tense, Morgan decided that it would be okay for that short amount of time. Reid’s leg twitched a bit, but Morgan had seen that coming. Relaxing with that devilish fluid entering was close to impossible, but Reid managed.

“Done.” Morgan covered Reid and threw the needle in the little container he’d been instructed to use. He tossed the glove and moved to the chair in front of Reid’s face and took his hand from under the cover. “You did good. We have more, but only one a day.”

Morgan looked at his phone and noted that it was almost midnight. That would be easy enough to remember. He also realized it had to have been 11 hours since Reid had used. He’d been honest with the doctor, and told that he had been taking something, two or three times a day, but Morgan had somehow refused to believe it. How the hell had he been able to hide that? He was surrounded by profilers, of course Reid was one too, but he’d always been a terrible liar. Morgan had tried not to think about that he hadn’t figured out that Reid must have had it with him in his go-bag and only needed to go back to his apartment to get more. How could he call himself a profiler? How could he even call himself a friend? Looking at Reid now was all the proof he needed to know that he had failed him, but thinking like that didn’t fit with the man of action he was proud to be, so he once again put it in a box and hid it away.

“Spencer. How’re you holding up.”

“I’m hot, my muscles are sore.” He pulled their hands under the corner of the duvet and took a controlled breath. “Please let me stop this, Derek.”

The pull that man had on Morgan was a feeling he was only just trying to get used to, but the small voice filled with tears, begging him, made his heart skip a beat.

“I can’t let you do that. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you have to.”

Reid tried letting go of Morgan’s hand and roll away, but Morgan held on tight and when Reid gave up, he brushed the damp hair out of his eyes.

“You know why I’m doing this, right?”

“I do, but… Derek, you don’t know.” Reid reached out and took Morgan’s arm and used it to pull himself up. “I’m not strong enough.”

With a deep breath Morgan wondered how many times he would have to have this conversation. He put his free hand firmly on the shaking man’s shoulder.

“You’re so much stronger than you think. You have overcome so much in your life.”

Reid shook his head and looked over the room as if the right words were written on the walls.

“No. You don’t get it. It’s not about putting my mind to it. It’s my body…” He squeezed his fingers tighter on Morgan’s arm, making the shaking worse. “I won’t make it through.”

The first thought crossing Morgan’s mind, was that Reid was begging to trick him into stopping this, but the firm grip the slim man had on him and the voice cracking in tears testified to a fear that came from a real threat. Real to him at least. Only considering his move for a second, Morgan sat on the edge of the mattress. He took Reid’s shoulders and slowly pulled him into a hug and carefully cradled the back of his head with a big palm, guiding him to lean on his shoulder.

“Hey, hey. Calm down.”

Reid didn’t seemed to have heard him. He was sobbing and Morgan was sure he was working up to another panic attack. He rubbed his back firmly and massaged the back of his head with his fingertips.

“Spencer. You need to listen to me now.” He tightened his arms a little around the terrified man. “Can you listen for a second” Do you hear me?”

Reid silenced his crying but gasps and a few uncontrollable sobs still broke through.

“Think back. Remember the doctor? She said you were good.” Reid shook his head between the shoulder and the hand holding it.

Morgan was sure Reid remembered but he clearly didn’t believe it anymore.

“Do you trust me?”

There was a long pause. Reid seemed to get his breathing more under control, even with a throat clogged with cries. Eventually he nodded, almost unnoticeably , but Morgan definitely felt it.

“Good. That’s good.” Morgan pushed the crying man from his chest and held his shoulders almost at arm’s length so he could look at his red and soaked face. He waited for a few seconds for Reid to be still. “Then trust me when I say that I’ll get help if it gets even close to dangerous. Do you trust me to do that?”

Reid’s chin trembled and he locked his jaw. He shook his head but when new tears fell, he closed his eyes and nodded. Slowly, Morgan pushed Reid down to lie on his back. He looked terrified as to what might happen or maybe even what Morgan might do. When Morgan moved for the chair again, Reid grabbed his wrist and it became clear that Reid was scared that Morgan would leave him. Even if just for a second. Morgan changed direction and sat back down on the mattress and rubbed Reid’s forearm.

“I’m here. Don’t worry about that.”

Reid nodded but kept his hand firmly on Morgan. He was using a lot of concentration on controlling his breathing carefully, and Morgan wasn’t sure if it was fear, pain or just Reid’s body working too hard. He put a hand on the rising chest to help him, however little it would do. His heartbeat was fast, not potent enough to worry Morgan, but Reid must have been able to feel something from that pulse. At the least he had to be fighting dizziness.

“Still feel like you’re gonna panic?” Reid looked investigative at him. “Scared you might pass out?”

“Yeah.” He moved his hand to his chest next to Morgan’s.

“Deep breaths, okay? It’s just a high pulse. You’re sick and coming down from freaking out. It’s too be expected.”

The only response was a new deep controlled breath and the hand holding tighter on Morgan’s wrist.

“Would you feel better if we checked your blood pressure?”

The breath Reid took while nodding moved easier and deeper.

* * *

The blood pressure had been slightly elevated but nowhere near high. Even Reid was convinced that it was completely normal for the nervousness he was feeling. Morgan had gotten him out of the t-shirt and when the duvet was replaced with a thin blanket, Reid seemed to be able to relax a bit. Even though he still had his eyes glued to Morgan, Reid managed to lie still. He only needed a few words of confirmation, once in a while, that everything was still good and Morgan had everything under control.

With Reid trusting that Morgan would not let go of his hand, he had been able to move to the chair again. His ass had passed pain and gone numb when Reid started breathing shallow and shifting in obvious discomfort.

“What is it?” Morgan leaned in making sure Reid saw that he wasn’t worried.

“I’m hot.”

He lifted the blanket but the hiss of pain prompted Morgan to finish the task for him.

“Muscle pain getting worse?”

The arm dropped to his chest, completely covered in sweat. Morgan had noticed pearls of sweat building on Reid’s forehead for awhile now, but he’d let it be as long as Reid had been resting. That was over now.

“Hang on. I’ll get some water.” Morgan stood up to leave for the bathroom, but Read’s sigh and longing look to the bedside table, got his attention. “Thirsty?”

Reid nodded and worked on pushing himself up, but Morgan got his shoulders before he had to fight all the way himself.

“Do you want something else than water?”

Already holding the bottle, Reid shook his head. He only took a small sip before he put the bottle back and worked his way back down.

“I’ll get something to cool you a bit. Just give me a second.” Morgan hadn’t thought that he would have been allowed to leave that easy, but he figured that he must have proven himself by now.

When he came back, tears were running from Reid’s eyes again. Making tracks down towards his ears.

“Hey. What now?” Morgan wrung one of the small towels he’d brought and carefully brushed it over Reid’s cheeks before placing it on his forehead.

“It’s getting worse.” He turned his head to Morgan and made the older man hold the towel in place. “I want it to stop.”

“You’re thinking too far again. Right now you’re holding up good. Let’s concentrate on that.”

Morgan was perfectly aware that no one in Reid’s situation would be able to do that, but he had to try and calm him down, if only for a few more minutes. It tore him to pieces to see him so scared.

“Is it the muscle pain and being hot that’s getting worse or is it something else?”

“My stomach. I’m…”

Already considering whether getting a bucket or getting Reid to the bathroom was fastest, he tensed up. “Do you think you’ll throw up?” He should have seen this coming.

“No. I don’t think…” Reid slowly moved a shaking hand to his stomach. “Not now… It just hurts more.”

Morgan wrung another towel in the cold water. “Let me do this first then.”

Making sure he would have done it exactly like that if it was someone else than Reid in the bed, he efficiently cleaned the drying sweat of Reid’s torso and covered him with a pillow cover. He took the heated up towel from Reid’s forehead and cooled it again going for his chin and neck.

With surprising strength, Reid pushed Morgan back against the backrest on the chair and headed for the bathroom as fast as his shaky legs would let him. Morgan caught up with him when he leaned against the door frame. He didn’t stop walking as he grabbed Reid’s arm and pulled it around his neck and dragged Reid the rest of the way to the toilet. Collapsing on to his knees, Reid barely managed to get his head over the bowl. Morgan held him in place as Reid emptied his stomach and tried to find a place for his own hands that would help him stay put.

Shaking, coughing and still gagging, Reid white-knuckled the toilet seat, radiating fear that he’d fall over or collapse.

“I’ve got you. Just get it out. I’ve got you.” Morgan kneeled down on the tiles next to Reid with both hands still on each side of the occupied man’s upper body.

There was a pause just long enough for Reid to take a few deep breaths and let out a heartbreaking high-pitched sob, before his knuckles turned white again.

“Get it over with, Spencer. Don’t fight it.”

Still shaking his head, Reid lost the fight with his stomach and Morgan struggled to hold him in place. Second round was longer and more rough on Reid. It seemed like forever before his stomach stopped torturing him and his body let go of everything. He dropped sideways off the bowl and Morgan just grabbed him before he collided with the floor.

Gasping and still kinda coughing, Reid fell back into Morgan’s arms and Morgan only moved to get him a bit lower so he could see his face.

“Spencer…? You with me?”

Morgan wanted nothing more than to wipe the tears of exhaustion away from Reid’s face before they dried there, but his arms were otherwise engaged, holding the limp body in place. Reid’s eyes wasn’t closed but it seemed that he was too busy trying to stop wheezing, to look at anything.

“Just let me know you can hear me… Ang… Spencer…?”

The smallest hum made every other sound in the room disappear. Even the blood rushing by Morgan’s inner ears, faded into the background.

“Good… That’s good.” Morgan unfolded his legs and sat down all the way. He leaned against the bathtub and pulled a towel down from the wall to cover Reid. “Take your time. I’ve got you.”


	12. Too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid have stopped throwing up but it's nowhere near over. Both Reid and Morgan are pushed to the limits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now my longest fic to date and I'm still so in love with writing it.

They had tried moving back to the bed three times, but the longest they had made it before they ended up in the bathroom again was half an hour. Reid had been clear enough that they could talk about using a bucket, but he wouldn’t let Morgan leave the room to get one. Morgan had brought every pillow and blanket he could get his hands on without leaving Reid for more than seconds. It wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t cold hard tiles. He’d gotten Reid into a t-shirt but the sweatpants had proven to be too much of a struggle for both of them.

The last two times had fought his way up to the toilet, he hadn’t gotten rid of anything. There was nothing left, but the sick man’s stomach still insisted on trying. Even the water, Morgan had almost forced in him, had come up almost immediately and had only hurt Reid more.

It had been almost an hour since Reid had lied down to rest on the blankets between Morgan and the toilet. He wasn’t sleeping but he was close and Morgan couldn’t let him do that there. He was already hurting all over, the bathroom floor would only add to that, no matter how many blankets they could find.

It felt good to finally move his legs and as he sat up on his knees next to Reid his blood rushed back into his feet. With a light touch he brushed his hand over Reid’s shoulder and back, feeling the young man react by taking a deeper breath.

“Spencer…?”

Reid hummed and withdrew his shoulder slightly under Morgan’s hand.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Morgan lifted Reid’s head and pulled his arm to sit him up. The whines Reid was voicing confirmed that he’d already been here for too long. Reid’s skin was cold and he was covered in sweat. There was no way around this, Reid needed to be in bed.

Reid was given just enough time to take hold on his shoulders before Morgan grabbed him under the arms and hauled the shaking man to his feet. Reid growled in discomfort from moving his aching muscles and leaned into Morgan’s chest and arms.

“Can you walk?”

If the answer had been no, Morgan was prepared to pick the smaller man up and carry him to the bed as he’d carried him to the hospital, but Reid turned his head and upper body towards the door and took a shaky step. After what Reid had been through the last hours, Morgan was amazed that he only needed a bit of help for balance as he walked across the room.

“Spencer...” Morgan covered Reid with the thin blanket. “I can set up an IV. You’re getting dehydrated.”

The long arms and legs curled up around Reid’s body and he pulled the corner of the blanket in close under his chin.

“No.”

Morgan sat on the chair and leaned in to look at the tired face almost completely framed by the pillow and the blanket. “It will make you feel a bit better to get some fluid.”

“Nothing will make it better.”

It wasn’t clear whether the shaky voice was because Reid himself were shaking or if it was a sign that he’d might cry. No matter what, it sounded like Reid had come to the conclusion that he didn’t have any say in what was happening to his body.

“I there anything I can do, or get you, to help?”

Reid shook his head with a sigh and Morgan had to accept that for now he had to just watch over him. He just hoped that Reid would get some sleep.

* * *

“Der… Derek!”

Morgan dropped the pillows he was removing from the bathroom and within a second, he was kneeling next to Reid steadying his shoulder.

“What is it?!”

Curled up on himself, and trembling from tensing every part of his body, Reid still managed to free a hand from the blanket and reach for Morgan’s. Morgan grabbed it tight and tried a softer approach.

“Spencer?”

That definitely wasn’t working. Reid shook his head, while pressing it into the pillow, and let out a strained moan. Morgan pushed Reid’s shoulder back to get a better look at the guy.

“Reid! Talk to me!”

“My…”

Reid’s other arm moved under the blanket and Morgan realized that he had to get answers without Reid’s words. He lifted the blanket and saw that the sheet had gotten trapped between Reid’s fingers in a tight shaking fist pressed against his stomach.

“Do you need to throw up?”

Reid shook his head and pulled Morgan’s hand closer to his heaving chest.

“Okay, okay. Hang on.”

It was difficult to remove Reid’s hand from his own, but as soon as he got eye-contact with him, Morgan could somehow convince him that it was okay. He ran to the other side of the bed and climbed in and sat against the headboard.

He rubbed Reid’s back and then pulled his shoulder to turn around. “Come.”

Tears were springing from Reid’s eyes when he rolled over. He rested his head on Morgan’s thigh and held on to his knee as if he was scared that he’d might fall off.

“Derek…”

“Is there something I can do?”

Reid shook his head and let out a loud sob.

“Don’t try to speak then. Breathe. I’m right here.”

With one hand rubbing Reid’s back firmly and the other lightly planted in his hair, Morgan leaned back and prayed that the stomach cramp wouldn’t last long.

After what felt like hours, the hand on Morgan’s knee loosened and Reid’s breathing became slower and steadier. Morgan moved his hand slower and lighter over Reid’s back and brushed his hair back as he removed his hand from Reid’s head.

“How are you holing up?”

Reid took a deep breath and pushed himself down to lie on his back, but quickly pulled his knees up and rolled to his side.

“I’m not. Please Derek, I want to end this.”

Morgan swallowed the lump in his throat and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“I know you do but I can’t let you do that.” With his thumb and index finger, Morgan lifted Reid’s face towards him. “Let me set up an IV. You’re dizzy on top of it all, even lying down. Let’s do what we _can_ do.”

Reid’s heavy eyelids blinked slow and let out a few tears before he sighed and started to roll over to face the chair. Morgan nodded to himself and got everything ready before he sat down and put on gloves.

The cold alcohol made Reid gasp but he didn’t move his lifeless arm, resting in Morgan’s hand.

“I’ll get this done. Then you can get some more sleep.”

Even without the cramps, Reid’s stomachache seemed to have gotten bad enough that sleeping was over. Morgan hoped that getting the weary a bit more hydrated could help with that too, but he had no expectations that it would.

Reid barely reacted as the needle broke the skin in the crease of his elbow. It looked like the young man was distancing himself from what was going on around him. Including Morgan.

“Here.” Morgan placed the arm back next to Reid, careful not to mess up the tape holding everything in place. “Just try to relax.”

After setting up the bag with fluid, Morgan sat on the chair again. He checked his phone and wasn’t sure why he was disappointed that there was nothing waiting. He wasn’t going to answer anyone. Not even Hotch. He did notice that it had only been an hour since he’d started tidying up the bathroom. It was going to be a long night. Why had he sent the doctor away? Maybe he should text Hotch anyway. He put the phone in his pocket and concentrated on Reid, who wasn’t close to sleeping but didn’t move. It wasn’t difficult to see how much effort went in to keeping his breathing somewhat calm and to muffle the small whimpers his pained stomach forced out of him.

* * *

The next few stomach cramps wasn’t as painful but they seemed to last longer for each time. After two hours Morgan wasn’t sure if it was cramps, or if it was the new level of stomachache, that was making Reid shake more violently and give up on hiding his whimpers.

As long as Reid had his head hidden in the corner of the blanket, Morgan didn’t approach him. No matter how horrible it looked; Reid was managing and Morgan fought the urge to pick the pained man up and hold him till he stopped crying. I wouldn’t help anyway.

Slowly, Reid’s carefully controlled breaths changed and bit by bit, he uncurled his body. Morgan had missed Reid’s eyes, but the gaze briefly connecting with Morgan’s, were sadness and frustration like he’d never seen before. He rolled over with a pained moan  but didn’t seem comfortable and fought his way back towards Morgan.

Morgan took his shaking hand not getting a reaction back. “Spencer? What do you need?”

There was no doubt what Reid was thinking when he lifted his eyes and looked at Morgan. It was terrible to know that the only thing that would help him right now, would hurt him so much more later. They both knew it, but Morgan was afraid that Reid was forgetting.

“I’ll get some water to cool you down. Hang on for a sec.”

The feeling of Reid’s hand just sliding out of Morgan’s without fight, mad him control the next deep breath carefully, not to choke on the air.

The sound of water rapidly filling the bucket, overpowered the sounds of Reid shifting around in the bed and the pained moans coming from it. Somehow it gave Morgan a short brake from it all. Just enough time for him to teach himself how to fill his lungs properly again. When he turned of the water all the sounds seemed higher, closer.

“What are you doing?!”

Reid was on his hands and knees halfway to the bathroom. Morgan dropped the bucket in the tub and rushed in to kneel in front of him. The IV line was dripping on the floor next to the bed and Morgan saw the reed line of blood down Reid’s arm.

“I need it.” Reid’s hand sloppily found Morgan’s shoulder and grabbed on with, what Morgan gathered was all his strength. “Derek. Please.”

Reid’s chin were quivering and tears were building in his eyes.

Morgan held Reid’s shoulders, supporting him before he dropped to the floor entirely. “You’re okay. You’ll be just fine.”

“Everything hurts.”

“I know, Spencer.”

Reid let go of the shoulder and Morgan couldn’t do anything but support him as his forehead landed hon Morgan’s knee.

“But you don’t. You don’t know.”

Morgan looked to the ceiling, blinking a way the burning in his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat before he looked down and rubbed the kneeling man’s arching back.

“You’re right. I don’t know.” He tried lifting Reid by his shoulder but he grabbed Morgan’s knee with both hands and Morgan couldn’t move him. “But, Spencer. You’ve done good so far. You can handle it.”

“I can’t.” Reid pulled his knees up closer under him and Morgan could feel tears wetting his pants. “It hurts. It’s too much.”

“Spencer.” Morgan rubbed his back a bit firmer and took hold on his upper arm. “You need to get back to bed.”

“No!” Reid tilted to the side and curled up, as much as his weak body would let him, he clawed his way up to wrap his arms around Morgan’s waist. “I can’t be there anymore. It’s not helping!”

Reid’s voice were getting squeaky as he got more desperate. Morgan helped him up a bit further so he didn’t need to use so much arm-strength to hold still. “Please, Spencer. It’s not helping to sit here either.”

“Please! Derek!” Reid’s hands were clinging on to Morgan’s t-shirt, pulling it tight over his shoulders. “I need it! You can’t do this to me!”

There was nothing Morgan could do, nothing he could say. He was sitting on his heels, looking down at the pained, scared and now angry man desperately hugging his waist. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t be the one doing this to Reid. Morgan felt his chin quivering but he wasn’t going down that road. He took a deep breath and picked his phone out of his back pocket. Reid didn’t seem to register that he moved.  

“Derek…” Reid turned his head and pressed it firmer onto Morgan’s hip. “I’m dying!”

Morgan lost all the air in his lungs.

“It hurts so much. Derek, I need it. I’m dying!” The crying man shifted and rose a hand and grabbed Morgan’s neckline, trying to pull himself up further.

Only looking at his phone, Morgan calmly moved Reid’s hand back down and placed his own hand lightly in the long messy hair. The phone rang two times before Morgan realized that Hotch would be able to hear Reid crying and heaving for air.

“ _Morgan. Is everything…_ ”

Morgan wasn’t completely sure if it was the sound of Reid or of his own heavy breath that had made Hotch pause.

“ _What’s going on…? Morgan._ ”

He should have thought the conversation through before calling. Hotch didn’t know. He thought Reid was better. How was he supposed to explain? Reid shifted with a loud moan that turned into a heartbreaking cry.

“ _Morgan!_ ”

“He’s…” Morgan cleared his throat and tried again. “Reid’s, ehm…”

The arms around Morgan tightened. “Derek. Please… You don’t know!”

“ _I’m on my way. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes… Morgan?!_ ”

Morgan quickly cleared his throat again. “Yeah, okay.”

“I hurts.” Reid tried pulling himself up by Morgan’s t-shirt again. “Derek!”

The phone dropped to the floor and Morgan sat all the way down and pulled Reid up on his folded legs, holding him tight against his chest.

Reid clawed onto his shoulder. “Give me… Derek…” He pushed himself out of Morgan’s arms and almost fell backwards to the floor. Scrambling frantically on the floor to get back to Morgan, Reid found the bigger man’s knee and pulled himself in again.

“Derek! I… Please! Don’t do this to me!”

He tried pulling himself up again but Morgan couldn’t hold Reid up like this. Not able to see out of the daze surrounding him, Morgan pushed Reid’s head and arms down to rest on a thigh.

“You’re going to kill me!”

* * *

Morgan had done his best to zone out and not listen to Reid’s crying, begging and blaming, but his heart and stomach felt heavier for every second. His eyes were hazy, but he didn’t need to see to know when Reid was starting to fight his way up, and he didn’t need to see to push him back down to his lab.

The light from the hall was only an unclear spot but Morgan’s eyes quickly focused on the man in the doorway.

“Hotch…” The word had carried out a high-pitched sound that Morgan didn’t remember ever having made before.

Hotch’s hand was on his shoulder before he knew it and the few seconds of silent conversation between them, broke Morgan’s tears loose.

“C’mon.” Hotch pulled Morgan up, forcing him to leave Reid on the floor.

Reid clung himself to Morgan’s ankle. “I’m sorry, Derek… Don’t leave.”

Not deciding anything for himself, Morgan followed Hotch’s move and took one of Reid’s arms, lifting him up to his knees.

“I don’t… please.”

“Spencer. You need to be in bed.” Hotch got under Reid’s arm and with Morgan’s support he got him to his feet.

Reid looked at his boss as he’d just now realized that there was another person in the room.

“Hotch… I’m… I can’t.”

Slowly, they got Reid seated on the bed, but he wasn’t lying down and he wasn’t letting go of Morgan. The exhausted man sat down next to Reid and wrapped an arm behind his back, making sure he wouldn’t fall off the bed.

Hotch hunched down in front of Reid, held his hand on his knee and looked at Morgan. “How long Derek?”

Morgan looked at his phone on the floor across the room and then at Hotch’s watch.

“It’s 6.30. How long has he been without?”

Reid pressed his head closer to Morgan’s shoulder, making it harder to do the math.

“17 and a half hours.”

“It’s too long.” Reid pulled Hotch’s hand. “It hurts too much. I’m going to die.”

Just silently putting his other hand over Reid’s grip on him, Hotch stayed focused on Morgan. “Is he safe?”

The man hugging Morgan was shaking from more than the loud crying. Reid thought he was dying. He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay by far. But he should be safe. Right?

“Morgan?! Listen to me.” Still holding Reid’s hand in both of his, Hotch moved closer to Morgan. “Is he _safe_ , or do we need to do something?”

“He’s safe.”

“No…” Reid sounded broken. “I’m not.”

Morgan looked at Hotch with a bit more focus. “As long as he’s not too dehydrated and his blood pressure isn’t too high, he’s safe.”

“Okay, good.” Hotch let out a relieved breath and let his eyeline move to the blood pressure cuff Morgan was looking at. “Morgan, you need to leave the room.”

“Derek?!” Reid pulled his hand from Hotch and wrapped his fingers around Morgan’s arm.

Instinctively, Morgan hugged Reid tight and not completely sure he’d heard Hotch right he shook his head. Hotch took Reid’s shoulders and looked Morgan in the eyes.

“Derek. You need a break.” It was the sound of an order, but this wasn’t work and Morgan’s heart was about to burst free of his chest.

Hotch pulled Reid a bit and looked at him. “It might be good with a change.”

Reid couldn’t speak through the sobs and gasps as Morgan let Hotch take the younger man’s arms from around him.

When he turned his back and walked to the door, his hands were numb and his eyes blurry, but the worst was that he was cold. Reid had been there all night, clinging on to his hand, holding on to him or needed to be held. Even just being close to Reid were warmer than this.

When he walked through the door and pushed it almost closed, he heard Reid’s sobs letting something that sounded like words through.

“ _Spencer. C’mon lie down.”_

 _“No.”_ It took Reid a few breaths to get the next words through. “ _Hotch, I don’t want to._ ”

The desperation and fear in his voice almost had Morgan run back in. He leaned against the wall next to the door and tilted his head back against it too.

“ _There, that’s good. Lie still, I’m just grabbing that, to check your blood pressure._ ”

“ _Hotch, please… I need…”_

Morgan was sure he should be walking away, it was torture to stay there and listen. Still, he did his best to control his breathing so he could hear everything going on.

“ _I’m sorry. Hotch, I’m sorry._ ”

“ _Not now Spencer. Lie still and let me do this.”_

 _“I need…”_ Reid had stilled his cries to a miserable plead.

“ _You can’t Spencer. Now hold on for a minute here._ ”

“ _No, Hotch. I need Derek._ ”

Morgan slid his back down the wall and when he touched down on the floor he was already heaving for air between the quiet sobs. He wrapped his arms around his legs and leaned his forehead on his knees. He didn’t hear anything but his own ragged breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry. I'll make it up to both of them.


	13. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgan and Reid has to find each other again after all that mess.

Morgan had stopped crying some time ago, but he hadn’t moved. So when a hand touched his shoulder his whole body was aching enough that it would be painful to move.

“Derek.”

Slowly, Morgan felt every joint crack in his back and neck as he slowly lifted his head. His eyes had been closed for a long time and the dried up tears had glued his eyelids shot. He tried blinking them open but ended up rubbing them before he could see the shape of a man hunched down in front of him.

“Derek, it’s been hours. Have you been here the whole time?”

Morgan nodded and held his breath while stretching one of his legs. He regretted instantly as the leg quickly filled with blood and became heavy and flared up with pain with the slightest movement. He shut his eyes and knocked his head back against the wall. One deep breath later and he looked at Hotch who was patiently waiting.

“How is he?”

“He’s resting?”

“He’s alone.” Morgan stretched his other leg and let out a pained growl as he tried to get control over both to get up.

Hotch added pressure to the hand on Morgan’s shoulder. “Take it easy. He knows that I left to find you.”

The water bottle, Hotch handed Morgan was cold. He hadn’t realized how heated up he’d gotten, until the cold water touched his lips and he felt it cooling him all the way to his stomach. Gradually, his eyes let him see more than shapes and he instinctively turned his head towards the room. The door was open and the way Hotch was sitting he was surly able to see Reid. Morgan pressed the half empty bottle to his neck and sighed deeply.

“Is he sleeping?”

“No. He’s still in pain, but he’s managing it. He has me on speed dial if he need us.”

He shouldn’t be managing it alone. The phone wasn’t enough, he should have someone next to him. _He_ should be there. Morgan carefully tried moving his legs; he was gaining control, but the muscles still ached and his skin still burned from the smallest touch.

“Last time he tried this, he only lasted 21 hours before he…” Morgan bit his lower lip. At some point the tables had turned and now he was the one who knew most about Reid’s situation. He’d already pulled Hotch in to this without Reid’s permission, and he was doubting that Reid wanted him to know more than he did.

“It’s right around 22 hours now.” Hotch stretched his back to look at Reid and then sat down all the way. “When was the last time? Did he try this alone?”

The team leader was always working and even when they had a few hours out without work, he always had that look that he, if needed, in a second could switch back to work and be their boss. That was gone. In front of Morgan was only a concerned face. A face belonging to a person who would never leave them in this, just to go back to work.

“Last week.” Morgan waited for the realization to appear on Hotch’s face before he continued. “He was alone and got scared and desperate to stop it.”

The older man looked down and slowly shook his head. “I really thought he was over it. I could have convinced myself, but I really thought…”

With a low moan, Morgan folded his legs and sat up free from the wall. “He’s been good at hiding it. We all suspected something, but he seemed to get better.”

He wasn’t better. Reid hadn’t been close to good for one and a half year and he hadn’t cared enough to ask. He’d just trusted that Hotch was helping him. That shouldn’t have been enough. All the times he’d noticed that something was off and didn’t say anything. Morgan pushed himself up to his knees and with Hotch’s help he got up on his shaky legs. His feet were still not responding right but he started walking anyway.

“Hold up, Derek. Give yourself a minute here.”

“Hotch, I need to get in there. I should be helping him.”

A hand on each of Morgan’s upper arms held him back and he wasn’t steady enough to push passed the strong man.

“You are not the one doing this to him.” Morgan couldn’t remember Hotch ever looking him in the eyes for this long. “ _He_ did this. And yes there were circumstances, but you need to understand that none of this is on you.”

“I saw it. All the signs were there. Even two or three weeks ago.”

“We always see it when we look back. Right now you can only help him if you look forward.”

Only now did Morgan notice that his eyes had been filling with tears. He blinked them away and forced a smile. “You sound like a fortune cookie.”

“Yeah, well, some of them have to have some truth to them.” Hotch picked up the bottle and gave it to Morgan before wrapping an arm around his back and made sure he wouldn’t trip over his own feet as they walked back into the bedroom.

* * *

Reid was on his side hugging his knees with one arm and holding the phone in the other. Morgan slowly sat down on and took it from him.

“Hey. You don’t need this anymore.”

Reid took Morgan’s hand as he offered it.

“I see Hotch fixed the IV. How are you feeling?”

“Tired. Embarrassed.” The timid voice was airy and raw.

Morgan leaned in and placed his other hand on their grip on each other. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re in a bad place, we just need to get you out.”

It was easier said than done, Morgan knew that, but right now he had to believe it was true, for Reid’s sake.

The hand between Morgan’s, held on little tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Spencer. Don’t.”

Morgan leaned in so he could look the exhausted man in the eyes. “Why don’t you just try to sleep a bit? You’ve been up for over a day.”

Reid shook his head.

“Is the pain still too much?”

The small tremors was almost gone, and Reid didn’t seem as tensed up as earlier so Morgan had thought at he could have been better.

“The nausea is getting bad again.”

Instinctively, Morgan looked to see if the path to the bathroom was clear and Hotch must have picked up on it, since he moved out of the way.

“Just a few more hours and you can get another shot.”

Reid’s head rested heavier on the pillow and he closed his eyes, carefully controlling his breathing. He was shivering slightly and Morgan pulled the blanket closer to his ears and brushed his fingers through the long damp hair.

“You’re over the worst and I’m right here.”

With light fingers, Morgan kept massaging Reid’s scalp and slowly the younger man’s breathing got slower and less strained. He hadn’t even thought about Hotch being in the room before it seemed like Reid was sleeping. He looked up at the man, not knowing what he expected. He didn’t expect Hotch to look like satisfied, maybe even pleased.

He nodded at Morgan and sent him a small smile. “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

Before he closed the door after him, he looked back over his shoulder and held up his phone so Morgan could see it. “I expect to be updated.”

The door closed before Morgan could answer, but there wasn’t really anything to say but “Yes sir.” and that felt wrong.

* * *

It wasn’t a calm or deep sleep, but Reid was getting some rest and a break from thinking and Morgan was satisfied with that for now. Morgan didn’t let go of Reid’s hand. When he started to lose feeling in his hand rubbing Reid’s head and had to move it, he still didn’t let go. He even texted Hotch with his left hand. The silence was only broke by Morgan hushing Reid when he turned or let out a complaining moan. Almost four hours went by like that before Reid’s eyes fluttered open.

“Hey. How are you? You’ve been out for quite some time.”

“Der…” The word got caught in a small cough that didn’t do much in clearing his throat.

“Shh, Spencer. Do you feel up for drinking a bit?”

Reid nodded and with joined effort they got him seated and placed a few pillows behind his back. Morgan pulled the cooler over and opened it.

“Juice or Gatorade, or maybe you just want water?”

It seemed as if Reid had forgotten about the cooler, but it did feel like days since Morgan had brought it, he’d almost forgotten about it himself until Hotch had given him that water.

“I think I can drink the Gatorade.”

A bit calmed that Reid seemed to feel just a little better, Morgan loosened the lid and handed Reid the bottle.

“So, you’re feeling better?”

After swallowing a small sip of water, that was still the most Morgan had seen him drink since they entered the room yesterday, Reid nodded and leaned back.

“My stomach and muscles, well everything still hurts, but it’s better. Not like before. I’m still worried that I’ll end up throwing up again, though.”

“That’s good, Spencer.” Finally something was happening. Morgan wasn’t delusional, he knew Reid wasn’t good, but at least something was changing to the better for the first time in forever. “Drink. Slowly, okay? I’ll text Hotch and then, when you’re ready, I’ll give you another of those shots.”

“Where’s Hotch?!” Reid almost dropped the bottle. “Did he go back? What did he tell them about where he went?”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Morgan sat on the edge of the mattress and cupped Reid’s face with both hands. “Calm yourself down. He wasn’t with the team and he’s still downstairs.”

It took a few seconds of eye-contact before Reid’s breathing was slow enough that Morgan felt safe removing his hands.

Reid’s head dropped and Morgan lifted it up with a finger on his chin. “No one knows. Just Hotch and me, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

After almost half of the Gatorade was gone and Morgan helped Reid change his t-shirt with a dry one and while he pushed himself down again, Morgan found a new blanket as well. Reid hardly reacted as Morgan pressed the red fluid into his muscle and he didn’t say a word until he was tugged completely under the blanket again.

“You know it’s not weird for me to do that, right? It’s not like it’s your ass.”

A small smile briefly showed up on Reid’s face. “I know. It’s not weird, it’s just…”

Morgan finished hanging the new bag for the IV and sat down on the mattress. He didn’t even consider the chair anymore. “Just what?”

“It’s not right. I don’t want to need you like this.” Morgan reached for Reid’s hand but he pulled it away and tugged his head further into the pillow. “This is not the reason we should be together.”

“It’s not.” Morgan waited for Reid to look up but when it didn’t happen, he brushed the messy hair aside and kneeled down in front of Reid’s face.

“This isn’t why we should be together. It’s just the way I figured out that we should.”

Reid looked up. Clearly confused.

“C’mon, Genius. I know that brain isn’t hidden that well.” This time Reid let Morgan hold his hand. “I’m not here out of pity, or because it would be wrong to leave. You know that it’s more than that, right?”

“So, if I wasn’t…?”

“Sick.” Morgan smiled and brushed the last strand of hair away from Reid’s forehead.

“If I wasn’t sick would you still be here?”

“I could have taken my stubborn ass years before realizing it, but knowing what I know now; yes I’d be here.”

The hazel eyes looking up at Morgan was glazed over and Reid was biting his lip to counteract his quivering chin. Morgan sat up again and slowly took Reid’s shoulder and turned him to his back.

“We needed this, long before the drugs.” Morgan made sure Reid was looking at him, even though the tears solely starting to escape his eyes. “You promised me; no more secrets. I’m going to promise the same. No more secrets, not even from myself.”

He lifted Reid’s hand and kissed it slowly, while wiping one of the runaway tears away with his thumb.

“What do you say, Angel…? Deal?”

The small nod from Reid was all Morgan needed. He didn’t think that Reid could talk even if he tried anyway.

“Good. Now, try if you can sleep some more. You still need it.”

“Hotch?”

Morgan looked at his phone on the nightstand. There was an answer to the message he’d sent him, but Morgan didn’t need to read it.

“I’ll text him and say that you’ve gone back to sleep.” He lifted the blanket a bit and surprisingly Reid rolled over so he had his back against Morgan. “I’m pretty sure we’re stuck with him now, though.”

There was almost a chuckle hidden in the small huff Reid let out.

“Derek. You need sleep too.”

Morgan rubbed Reid’s lower arm. “I’m going to keep and eye on you till you’re better. I’m not sleeping just yet.”

Reid lifted his head and his heavy eyes looked up at Morgan. “I am better. At least good enough that you can sleep too.” He pulled one of the pillows stacked against the headboard down and laid it in front of him, on the empty side of the bed. “I’ll wake you up if I need you. I promise.”


	14. What about this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reid and Morgan talk to Hotch who has hatched out a plan while he'd been waiting.  
> The next days, Reid's side effects from kicking the drug changes but some of the new symptoms scares him.

The sound of a new message on Morgan’s phone woke him up. Groggy and a bit confused as to where the sound came from, he opened his eyes. The first he saw was Reid’s eyes looking at his from the other pillow. Adrenaline instantly rushed through his veins and tensed his back.

“How are you? How long have you been awake?” He took Reid’s hand lying between them. “Do you need anything? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

A smile slowly spread over Reid’s face but as long as he didn’t speak, Morgan only got more confused. The younger man held tighter on to Morgan’s hand.

“I’m okay, Derek. I would have asked for help if I needed it and I’ve only been awake for about twenty minutes.”

Reid rolled to his back and reached for Morgan’s phone. It was obvious that he was trying to hide his discomfort when he rolled back again, but Morgan didn’t address it, since he seemed to be in a better mood, maybe even a bit optimistic. He did however hesitate as he handed Morgan his phone.

“It’s most likely Hotch. You should answer him.”

Morgan took the phone and was silently happy that Reid was holding the left hand this time.

“They’re called out on a case. He want’s to talk to us before he leaves.”

Reid let go of Morgan and pushed himself up against the headboard. He looked down a bit his lower lip.

“Hey. Pretty-boy.” Morgan sat up in front of him and gently lifted his face up with both hands. “He wants to talk to _us_. It’s probably just about the vacation time.”

Morgan was sure there was more Hotch wanted, and needed, to know, but he hoped that he would wait with that.

* * *

The knock on the door was uncharacteristically quiet and Morgan wasn’t sur he would have noticed if Reid hadn’t grabbed his hand. Morgan pulled Reid’s hand into his own lap. Reid had doubted the decision at first, but Morgan had convinced him that he could stay sitting next to him in the bed. Hotch already knew anyway. But it did seem to make Reid extra nervous as Hotch opened the door.

Their team leader wasn’t able to hide his surprise when he came in, but to his credit, he managed to sit on the chair next to Reid without paying much attention to the fact that there was two in the bed now.

“How’re you holding up?”

Reid looked down at his free hand, fiddling the blanket over his legs. “Better. Hotch, I’m sorry.”

Morgan couldn’t help, instinctively wrapping an arm around Reid’s shoulders and pulling him close against his side.

“Spencer, look at me.”

Morgan felt Reid’s breaths get deeper and unnaturally controlled. He squeezed the timid man’s hand tighter and nudged him a little. Slowly, Reid lifted his head and after an extra deep and controlled breath he finally he looked up at Hotch’s face.

“I know you are. I am too.”

Rapidly Reid looked at Morgan with confusion painted all over his face, and then back at Hotch.

“What…?” He shook his head and tried again. “Why? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I should have followed you closer after you started the meetings. I was the only one who knew and I wasn’t there.”

Morgan didn’t think he’d ever seen Hotch doubt himself like that.

“Hotch…” Reid straightened his back and Morgan loosened his grip a bit. “You got me into NA. You drove me to the first meeting, remember? We talked every week… And it did work. For a while I was better, I just… I…”

Reid looked down at Morgan and hid joined hands and Morgan lifted them to his own chest. “You don’t need to explain why.”

“Morgan is right. Spencer, I don’t need to know why you thought you needed it. You can talk to someone else about that.” Hotch pushed himself forward to sit on the edge of the chair, put his elbows on his knees and looked up at Reid. “But can you explain why you felt like you couldn’t come to me?”

A long shaky breath made its way through Reid’s nose and filled his lungs while he pulled his legs up close to his chest.

“I stopped and…”

Morgan and Hotch looked at each other and Morgan was sure he saw the hurt in Hotch that he’d felt himself this entire week. He rubbed Reid’s back and felt him take another breath.

“You kept saying you were proud of me, so when relapsed, I couldn’t tell you about my failures.”

“Spencer.” Hotch put his hand on Reid’s shaking one and waited for him to turn towards him. “There’s nothing wrong with needing help. I haven’t made that clear enough.”

Reid nodded and Morgan was sure he saw a hint of a smile on the little he could see of Reid’s face, but he had no doubt that his shaky breaths belonged to a man who was fighting tears.

“Everything became about hiding it. I started injecting in my feet and folding up my sleeves so you could see my arms.”

Reid’s head dropped and Morgan let go of his hand to lift his face towards him and brush away a single tear with his thumb. He smiled and nodded at the embarrassed man and surprisingly Reid nodded back and turned to Hotch again.

“I figured that acting like normal was the only way. It was like playing the role of how I used to be. The better I got at it, the better you… all of you, thought I was doing. I’m so…”

“It’s okay.” Hotch let go of Reid’s hand and sat back on the chair. “This time will be different. If you still want to go back to the team?”

“I do. Can I… I…” Reid looked almost shocked when he pushed himself free of Morgan’s arm and looked from one man to the other. “I thought this was…”

“I can make it work, but you _have_ to put in the work.”

“Anything.”

Hotch looked at Morgan and not knowing if it was what his boss was looking for, Morgan nodded and confirmed that he would do anything too.

“I’ve already arranged for you to come back on reduced time. The team will think you have a teaching job. You will have to see a counselor every week and…” Hotch took a break to let the message sink in, but Reid didn’t seem to have anything to object. “…you will have to get tested.”

Reid tensed up and grabbed on to Morgan’s knee. Morgan took his hand in his. “Spencer, we trust you. Hotch trusts you. But we don’t trust what this is doing to you. We just have to absolutely sure that this never happens again.”

Reid shook his head. “I know, but…” he looked at Hotch. “…it will be on file. Someone will see.”

“No. We will do it with a private clinic. Not on record. I’m the only one who needs to see. I will go with you or Morgan will.” Hotch looked hastily at Morgan before he found Reid’s eyes.

There was no doubt that Hotch knew that Morgan would never help Reid cheat. These last days had broken him so Hotch had to pull them both from the floor this morning.

“Reid?”

Hotch was waiting for an answer but Reid seemed to still be thinking hard. Morgan turned to sit face to face with him and took both of his hands.

“It’s a good deal, Spencer. We’re getting you help. You can do this, and you know I’m not leaving, right?”

Reid was still looking down while he nodded but he stilled again and held on tight to Morgan’s hands.

“What about…? Hotch…” Reid looked at their boss. “What about this?” He lifted Morgan’s hands and Morgan’s stomach dropped.

He was right. Even with all the plans and deals they made about helping Reid, they were still two agents on the same team falling in love. They were not holding back anymore and they had already let Hotch know.

Hotch got up from the chair and put a hand on Reid’s shoulder and when Reid looked up at him, he was met with a reassuring smile.

“I’ve been downstairs the whole day. I’ve have a plan for that too. I will make sure you’re never in the field together. At first you wont be in the field at all anyway. Let’s worry about it when you’re ready to come back full time.”

Reid looked at Morgan and they shared a relieved smile.

Hotch walked to the door. “I have to go, I told the team I was on the other side of town so it would take me longer, but I’ve almost used up the extra time. I’ve made something for you to eat. It’s in the kitchen.” He took a second to secure eye-contact with Morgan. “Call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you Hotch.” Reid’s voice was fighting not to break.

Hotch nodded and left the room. Morgan squeezed Reid’s hands and kissed one of them quickly before he followed the older man out into the hallway and closed the door.

 

“Hotch.” Hotch stopped in his tracks and turned around. “You _do_ remember telling me that this is not on me?”

“I do…”

“Aaron. You know this isn’t on you either, right?”

Hotch let out a short sigh through a small smile. “I know. Logically. It feels different.”

They shared a short moment of realization that they were both in it with more than civilized obligation and logical reason.

“Ehm, Aaron. I might need another week.”

Hotch nodded and placed a firm hand on Morgan’s shoulder. “You take one week each year. I think I can prolong this vacation to three. As far as the team knows, Reid’s _teaching_ will begin fulltime on Monday, he will come back to the unit when he’s settled in it.”

Morgan thanked Hotch and on his way down the stairs the team leader turned and yelled that they should remember that there was warm food in the kitchen.

* * *

Reid was still nauseous and didn’t eat much, but Morgan praised their luck that he was able to keep the little amount of soup down. The most important thing to both of them was that Reid was able to drink a lot more than before. The sugar in the juice would do him good. They had talked about taking the IV out for the night if he kept it all down for a few more hours.

For almost an hour after they had eaten the room had been quiet. Morgan had taken the dirty dishes down to the kitchen and brought up some chips and crackers if Reid felt like eating more later. After that he’d been sitting against the headboard with his arm around Reid’s shoulders and rubbing the back of his hand with his other thumb. Reid hadn’t said anything and Morgan figured that they would have time enough for talking. He enjoyed the break from doubt, fear and helplessness.

Eventually, he felt Reid shifting as if he was uncomfortable, but they had been in the same position for quite some time. Morgan lifted his arm and let Reid move around. The younger man pushed himself down and rolled up on himself with his back against Morgan.

“Spencer? How are you feeling?”

“I’m just sore… and tired.”

Morgan laid down behind him, pulled the cover over him and placed a light hand on his shoulder. “Get some rest then. If I fall asleep, wake me if you need anything.”

Reid moved back a little closer to Morgan and one of his hands joined Morgan’s on his shoulder.

“I will.”

Morgan didn’t sleep. He was exhausted and the few hours from earlier did help much, but he wasn’t tired enough to sleep before Reid did, and Reid wasn’t sleeping. The air moving in and out of Reid’s lungs were steady and calm, but too fast for him to be sleeping and he was still holding on tight to Morgan’s hand, even after two hours.

“Spencer? What is keeping you awake?”

The sniffle that came as an answer, surprised Morgan and he sat up to look down at Reid. A tear broke from Reid’s eye and rolled slowly over his nose and passed the other eye. Morgan pushed Reid’s shoulder to turn him on his back.

“Hey, Angel. Talk to me.”

Reid closed his eyes and then looked away. “It’s starting all over again.”

Morgan took Reid’s hand firmly. “What is?” Morgan noticed that he was already shaking in fear that he was going to get worse again. “Spencer. What is starting again?”

“I can’t sleep. When Hotch first found out and I cut down, I couldn’t sleep and when I did my nightmares was much worse than ever before.”

Morgan sighed with relief and didn’t try to hide it. “Spencer. It’s the first night after, you slept earlier, remember?”

Reid bit the inside of his cheek and nodded. “But that was why I started again. I couldn’t pretend that everything was like normal, on no sleep. It was too hard.”

Morgan brushed away a new tear and laid down again, pulling Reid over to look at him. “You don’t have to pretend now. You don’t have to play that role with me. Try not to stress about the sleep, it will happen. Right now, we’re just resting, okay?”

Reid smiled timidly and tugged the cover to his chin. Morgan put his hand on top of Reid’s wrapped in the blanket.

“Close your eyes and relax. I’ll be right here.”

* * *

None of them slept that night. It wasn’t difficult for Morgan to stay awake. Reid turned a few times, clearly unsatisfied with making no progress and definitely still fighting sweats, chills and sore joints. Morgan had hushed him, brushed his hair from his face, made sure he was comfortable every time.

The day after, Reid ate a little more and kept it down, even though his frequent trips to the toilet, indicated that everything ran through him too fast. Morgan saw him get more and more tired, but he made up for the loss of fluid with water and juice.

The second day was harder for Reid to go through. All that he’d gone through physically and mentally and now without sleep for two days. Morgan had had trouble keeping awake, so he’d set alarms every half an hour to wake him up if he’d fallen asleep. He hadn’t. Even with his eyes closing against his will, he was still too occupied with Reid to sleep.

Breakfast was in bed like the day before, but today Reid was more quiet. He hadn’t talked much but now he hardly answered Morgan with more than one word. He was in the bathroom when Morgan came back from tidying a bit in the kitchen.

“You good in there?”

Reid came out slowly and leaned against the doorframe. “Yeah. My stomach is a bit better I think.”

“That’s good.” Morgan wrapped his arm around the weary man and walked him to the bed. “How about the rest of you?”

Reid held his breath as he sat down on the edge of the mattress and exhaled sharply as he relaxed his legs. He supported himself with his hands on the mattress on both sides of him, and hung his head on his chest.

“It’s the same, I guess. I’m just tired and sore.” He looked up at Morgan who was hunched down in front of him. “Everything is uncomfortable. My skin, my head, my legs. I just want to sleep.”

Morgan had gone without sleep for days before, he was right now, but never while being sick and Reid was more than just sick. There was only one thing he could think of that would might help Reid, but it could be too much for him to handle and it could be too much for him to accept the help.

“Spencer. How to you think about taking a bath? Do you think you can do that?”

Reid looked like he was going to pass out just from thinking about the effort. Morgan sat up next to him and took both his hands and held them in Reid’s lap.

“I can help, if you are okay with it.”

It took a moment before Reid looked up and when he did there was a mixture of hope and fear in his eyes.

“We will figure it out.” Morgan winked it him. “One step at a time.”

When Reid agreed, Morgan didn’t waste anytime getting the water turned on and finding all the towels he had in the room. He took the soap and poured in a fair amount while the water was still on. The more bubbles the better, they would give some cover to Reid. He placed a towel over the toilet-lid so it wouldn’t be cold for Reid to sit on, then he helped the unsteady man into the room and got him seated and helped him out of the t-shirt.

“Do you remember when I found you in here the first day?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay we do it all backwards then. If you open your pants and then wrap this around you.”

Reid got the plan quick and did as told and when he was satisfied that he was covered Morgan pulled him to his feet and kneeled down in from of him. He looked up at Reid for confirmation before he pulled his pants legs and the sweat pants slid down under the towel. Reid managed to get his boxers pulled down far enough that Morgan could get them too without lifting the towel.

“What about…?” Reid looked at the filled bathtub and then his hand clutched on to the only cover he had around him.

“You just take it in with you. I’ve got more.” Morgan gestured to the pile of white towels on the floor next to the tub. “Here let me help.”

He stood behind Reid and held him firmly under his arms while the shivering man lifted his foot over the edge. Reid gasped and pulled back as soon as he touched the water. Morgan, who had expected the reaction steadied him.

“It’s not too warm. You’re just cold. Go slow and you’ll see.”

Reid tried again and even though he breathed sharply through his nose and his free hand was now boring holes into Morgan’s arm, he managed to get in and slowly sit down.

Morgan waited for Reid to get comfortable with the towel. Then he kneeled down next to him and wrapped an arm around his neck. “Lean back. You’re safe.”

A few seconds of eye-contact passed before Read closed his eyes and relaxed his body, in the warm water. Morgan soaked a washcloth and carefully washed Reid’s face. The younger man breathed deeper for every second that passed. Morgan soaked the cloth again and, carefully not to let the water into his eyes, he squeezed it out over Reid’s messy and damp hair.

As Reid got heavier, Morgan leaned in closer and took a firmer grip behind his back and under his far arm. Reid turned his head sluggishly towards Morgan and opened his eyes.

“Derek…” Reid was barely making any sound and he wasn’t really looking at anything either.

“Just relax. I’ve got you.”

* * *

Morgan was sure Reid had been close to sleep a few times, maybe even gotten a few short naps of ten minutes or so, but he had to get him out of the water before it got cold.

It had been almost as easy as getting him in. They had tried it before and managed to do everything so Morgan didn’t see anything, without talking.

Back in the bed Reid sat up against the headboard and waited for Morgan to get everything sorted in the bathroom.

“You hungry?”

Reid shook his head, without looking up.

“Do you feel a bit better?”

The young man nodded still only focusing on his hands on his bend knees. Morgan sat on the chair next to him. Maybe it had been too much after all.

“Do you…” Morgan didn’t know how to ask, but he needed to know if he’d done something wrong. “Spencer. Was it wrong? The bath?”

Reid shook his head and pulled his legs a bit closer to his chest.

“Then what’s with the silent treatment?”

Reid shook his head and buried his face behind his knees, but let a hand drop to the mattress next to him.

Morgan took it in his. “Angel. Talk to me.” The roller-coaster from desperation, passed serenity and right back to fear and helplessness, was making Morgan dizzy and his stomach was never really calm.

Reid squeezed Morgan’s hand and talked into his folded up self. “I’m just tired of all of it. I feel better but I’m still scared, and I just want to sleep.”

Sniffling, he pulled Morgan’s hand a bit closer and Morgan followed and continued to sit in the bed in front of Reid.

“Come here.”

Morgan pulled Reid’s arm and took his shoulder. Slowly, Reid followed, unfolded and moved closer so he was leaning into Morgan’s chest and tight embrace. Morgan wrapped the blanket around Reid and rubbed his back slowly.

“It’s okay. You will be fine and I will be here to remind you every time you forget it.”

Reid cried silently against Morgan’s chest and Morgan held him as long as he needed.

The silence of third night without sleep, was broken up by several times where Morgan just had to hold Reid while he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up way longer than planned but I really love this story and I've fallen helplessly and completely in love with Reid and Morgan as a couple.  
> I >THINK< the next chapter will be the last. But I will most likely write more works to continue this story line.   
>  \- Hi. This is me after two more chapters after this and I have to tell you that this one was nowhere near the end. I had to add a few more scenes and also decided to make the story's timeline stretch a bit longer. Sorry/not sorry -


	15. Wake me up.

“We need to get out of this room. C’mon Spencer let’s eat in the kitchen.”

Reid looked even more exhausted from the suggestion, but Morgan had expected that after three nights without sleep. His own body was getting sore and his head was pounding. He couldn’t imagine how Reid felt when already being exhausted before the insomnia.

After a few seconds of staring contest, Morgan took Reid’s hand and pulled him slowly to his feet.

“You need a break from this.” Morgan looked over the dark room which had been their cave for four days. “We both do.”

With a compliant nod, Reid followed the larger man down the stairs. His legs seemed steady but his body was obviously still sore and stiff.

“Something light or are you hungry.”

Reid supported himself on the table when he sat down. As nauseous as the sleep deprivation had made Morgan, he couldn’t imagine that Reid would be hungry. The younger man looked at the fridge.

“I’m getting nauseous just knowing that there’s food in there.”

With a small chuckle, Morgan put a hand on Reid’s shoulder as he passed him. “I’m sure it’s close to empty.” He opened the door and scanned the content. “Something light then.”

It was silent between them as the toast heated, and the first few seconds after, they both just stared at the food on their plates. Morgan was the first to act. He needed to get Reid to eat, but if he couldn’t himself nothing would convince Reid that it was a good idea. He took a few bites and drank some of the tea, Read had texted him to get when he was at the store. It was supposed to be calming and Morgan had decided that it might be better than the cup of coffee he would normally drink for breakfast.

Morgan pushed Reid’s plate a bit closer to the silent man. “I know you’re not hungry, I’m not either, but you can’t starve yourself on top of it all.”

Hesitant, Reid reached for his tea and sent Morgan a timid smile before drinking.

“Spencer? You haven’t said anything all morning.”

Reid picked up his toast and took a bite smaller than Morgan had thought possible.

“Hey.” Morgan reached over the table and covered Reid’s hand with his own. “I know it was a rough night, but please talk to me.”

Morgan had lost count of how many times he’d had to comfort Reid silently crying during the night and now he was tearing up again.

“Spencer?”

Reid looked up and loosened the grip his teeth had on his bottom lip. “I’m just tired.”

“I know, but it’s more than that. I can see that you’re thinking too much. What is going on in there?”

The hand under Morgan’s disappeared under the table and was joined by the other when Reid’s toast hit the plate.

“I’m…” Reid filled his lungs and Morgan fought the urge to cradle the weak man fighting his tears. “Derek, what if it takes too long?”

Morgan wasn’t sure what Reid was getting at, and Reid must have sensed it, for he looked up and tried again. “What if I’m not getting better before you have to go back to work? Or when I need to? What if my nightmares come back when I finally sleep? Maybe I wont sleep after. What if this is just a vicious circle? I’m not sure I can do that. What… What if…?”

“Hey!” Morgan was already on his knees next to Reid and turned his chair around so he could look up at the rambling and now shaking man. “Spencer stop.”

He took both of Reid’s hands and held them firmly in his lap. “You’re not relapsing. You hear me?!”

Stunned by the sudden reaction, Reid barely managed to nod at Morgan looking determinedly up at him.

“Listen. You’re not on your own anymore. You’ve agreed to let us help, and we’re not backing out of that. No matter how long it takes.”

Morgan scooted closer and pulled Reid’s hands to his chest.

“Everyone knows I want to be in the field, but I’ll fake guest lecturing if you need me here. Hotch and I can work separate cases. We’ll figure it out.”

Reid shook his head and swallowed and shaky breath. “It’s not fair to you. You shouldn’t have to.”

“I don’t. I don’t have to. I could walk out if that door tomorrow if I wanted. But I’m not going to do that. You’re too important. You will always be more important. Do you understand?”

It didn’t look like Reid fully believed that Morgan would sacrifice everything without regret, but that was exactly what would happen if he needed it. The older man stood up and pulled the younger with him. Still keeping all four hands to his own chest he waited for Reid to look him in the eyes.

“I need you to be good, just as much as you need to be. Okay?”

“Okay.” Reid nodded and looked down at their hands.

Morgan smiled and pushed them slowly apart. “Let’s eat and then go for a short walk. I think it would do us both good to move a little.”

Reid agreed and sat down to finish his toast.

* * *

After a not so long walk to the local store and back, quite a few movies and a joined effort of making dinner, Morgan found at difficult to stay awake during the game he’d decided to watch while Reid was reading.

Every time his head dropped and his eyes sprung open from the movement, he looked over at Reid in the recliner. He looked even more tired than Morgan but his eyes wasn’t falling shut. Morgan focused on the man and after a few minutes he realized that Reid wasn’t turning the pages. He turned off the TV and observed Reid’s eyes following him as he walked to the door.

“It’s late. Let’s sleep.”

With a heavy discouraging sigh, Reid got up and followed.

Reid didn’t get under the covers until Morgan was already under his. Morgan didn’t even ask if he needed him there. The dread in Reid’s entire demeanor was not hard to notice. Reid was on his back and didn’t move his gaze from the ceiling when Morgan pushed himself up on his elbow and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Spencer. Can you look at me for a second?”

Reid turned his head and let the glazed over eyes fall on Morgan’s.

“I can’t stay awake. I’m too tired.”

Reid took a deep breath and nodded with a sigh that told Morgan that he’d already figured that out.

“Promised to wake me if you need me.” Morgan cupped Reid’s chin with his large hand making sure the eye-contact would last. “If it gets scary or you if need to talk. Okay?”

Reid nodded and bit his lip as a single tear broke form his eye. Morgan brushed it away and let Reid build up to a small smile before he slowly leaned in and placed a small peck on his forehead.

“Even if you only need to know that you _can_. You wake me, okay?”

The air moved a bit calmer into Morgan’s lungs when Reid’s smile seemed more eased. He let Reid’s hand move his from the chin to Reid’s chest and watched the exhausted man close his eyes. As long as his arm would hold him up without pain, he stayed still, watching his hand rise and fall with the slow movements of Reid’s chest. Eventually, Morgan had to give in and lie down. Reid’s eyes sprung open and searched for Morgan in the dark.

“Shh, just relax.”

Morgan rubbed Reid’s chest and slowly Reid rolled to his side and laid face to face with Morgan. He took Morgan’s hand in his and rested them on the mattress between them. Morgan kissed his forehead slowly and soft.

Morgan squeezed his hand a little harder. “I’m right here. Wake me if I snore.”

He heard a small chuckle cross Reid’s lips as the smaller man closed his eyes and pushed himself a little closer to their hands.

* * *

The soft whisper didn’t convince Morgan that it wasn’t a dream.

“Derek?”

Still silent and airy, but something in the tone made Morgan force his eyes open. Reid was hugging his hand with both of his and a few tears were making their way towards the pillow.

“Spencer?” Morgan pushed himself up to sit so he could free his other hand and wipe the tears away with his thumb. “What is it?”

“I’m sorry. I…” Reid’s eyes closed and he held on tighter to Morgan’s hand.

“Don’t, Spencer. I told you to wake me. What do you need?”

“I was falling asleep, but…”

The messages he’d exchanged with he doctor the last days, had told him that insomnia was a common side effect, but Morgan had been convinced for awhile that something else was adding to the problem. He combed his hand through Reid’s long locks.

“You got scared about the nightmares.”

Without looking up, Reid nodded. With no further delay, Morgan laid down close to Reid, wrapping his arms around his back and burying a hand in his hair.

“I’ve gotten a few hours. I’ll stay awake till you sleep. Besides, you know now how easy I wake when it’s you.”

Reid pushed himself closer and Morgan held him tighter, feeling his shaky and nervous breathing. He leaned his chin on the top of Reid’s head and continued with only a whisper.

“Most of this is still the anxiety from withdrawal. You’re not half as scared as you think you are.”

A small whimper made it out from the space between Morgan’s t-shirt and Reid’s mouth.

“Shh, Angel. Just let it happen, I’ve got you.”

As sun as he felt Reid relax in his arms, Morgan blinked to counteract the burning from tears pressing. Every cell in his body was focused on listening for Reid’s breathing and hoping that it would slow down enough that he was surely sleeping.

A few times Reid felt heavier and then tensed up with a small gasp. Morgan hushed him and the fourth or fifth time, Reid relaxed almost immediately with Morgan’s hand massaging his scalp. The next time he relaxed completely, he didn’t wake up. Morgan held him firmly for almost half an hour after before he felt safe to relax a little and close his eyes.

* * *

The first thing entering his mind was light fingers drawing lines on his forearm. Half a sleep Morgan hugged the man in his arms and buried his face in the soft hair. Reid had turned and was back against Morgan’s chest. He felt the younger man’s lips kiss the back of his palm.

“What time is it?”

“Almost noon.” Reid sounded good. If not happy then at least content.

Noon was late. Fourteen hours in bed was a long time even if they hadn’t slept all the time.

“Did you sleep much?”

The silence made Morgan loosed his grip and pull Reid’s shoulder to make him roll over. “When did you wake up?”

“Around five.”

At best Reid had slept three hours. Morgan had to remind himself that it was progress but Reid had been awake alone for way to long.

“What woke you up? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“It wasn’t a nightmare, maybe it could have been, if I hadn’t woken up that quick.” Reid looked down. It almost looked like he was embarrassed. “It almost woke you up… me jumping like that. But you just held me tighter and I didn’t need to wake you.”

With Reid’s eyes elsewhere, Morgan took a moment to gather himself and figure out what to say or do without provoking the tears pressing in his eyes. He eventually realized that he had no control over that and he pushed Reid’s face up to meet his eyes.

“But…” His voice cracked but he didn’t care. “Spencer. So many hours.”

Reid smiled and took Morgan’s hand lightly and drew feather light lines in the palm with his thumb. “Every time I moved, you hugged me. If you had stopped, I would have woke you up.”

Tears spilled but this time it was Reid wiping away Morgan’s. Morgan took Reid’s hand and tried his best not to look embarrassed. The smile Reid sent him revealed that he hadn’t managed that, but Reid pulled their hands closer and kissed Morgan’s.

“How about breakfast?”

Morgan wiped the last two tears away and cleared his throat. “You hungry?”

Reid got up and changed his t-shirt and pulled a pair of sweatpants over his boxers. “Not really, but I can eat. You’ve been sleeping for over twelve hours combined. I’m sure you can eat.”

* * *

The first part of the afternoon went by better than Morgan could remember it had been in the house. Being rested made it easier to talk Reid through his sudden depressive mood swings and doubts. The three hours Reid had gotten seemed to have been enough to make his day a bit better too.

Morgan’s phone was more active today than the days before and Reid was definitely picking up on it. The last three days Morgan had kept his friend updated on Reid’s progress. The doctor had pushed him to come over for a check up but Morgan had held back, with the excuse that Reid was doing good except not sleeping. The news about the sleep last night had seemed convince her that Reid could handle a visit. Between the messages from her and the check-ins from Hotch, Morgan had checked his phone at least once an hour most of the day.

At dinner his phone beeped again, but even though he ignored it, Reid couldn’t anymore.

“It’s Hotch isn’t it?”

Morgan picked up the phone with a deep sigh and looked at the screen. It was a text form Hotch telling him that they would fly home tomorrow.

“He’s just checking in. It looks like they’re done with the case.”

Reid looked investigative at him. Morgan wasn’t sure what he’d done to provoke this, but he knew that thinking frown on Reid’s forehead.

“What?”

“You checked it first. Who else is texting you? Is it Garcia? Does she…”

“No. She don’t. No one knows, trust me.”

Morgan noticed Reid’s shoulders drop, but the gaze on him didn’t ease up.

“Then who? Is it about me?”

For a second Morgan contemplated lying and telling Reid that it was his sister or an old friend from school, but he couldn’t lie to the man clearly on edge. If Reid didn’t believe him he would get more anxious and he needed the trust to help him. Even if he thought he could get away with it, he couldn’t. His heart couldn’t bear keeping secrets from him.

“It’s my friend Steph, from before. The doctor.”

The prompt reaction of fear building on Reid’s face, was more than Morgan had expected.

“C’mon, Spencer.” Morgan took Reid’s hand. “She’s just checking in.”

“Just checking?”

The shaking in Reid’s voice told Morgan that he needed more convincing than that. It was beginning to come natural to Morgan how to handle Reid’s small freak-outs.

“What is freaking you out about this?”

“Why would she do that? Does she know something?”

Morgan stood up and pulled Reid with him to the couch and sat him down. He sat down next to Reid and folded his legs in the seat so Reid could do the same when he turned him to situate them face to face.

“Spencer, say it as it is. Know what?”

“Has she told you that something else will happen?”

Morgan took Reid’s hands and leaned in closer.

“Now you’re freaking _me_ out. Is something going to happen? Are you getting sick again?”

Reid shook his head. “I don’t think so, but why would she just check in if she wasn’t telling you about a new symptom? Just tell me if she know that something is happening to me?”

“Oh Angel. You’re not thinking right.” Morgan pushed Reid’s face up and pressed their foreheads together. “She just want to make sure you’re alright. I’ve been telling her that you wasn’t ready for her to come over.”

The weight with which Reid landed on Morgan’s chest testified to pure relief. Morgan rubbed the relaxed man’s back.

“Believe me now?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.”

Morgan rubbed Reid’s back and leaned his chin on the relaxed man’s head. “You’re supposed to be a mess right now. I think I’m actually getting used to it.”

Reid shook his head slowly against Morgan’s chest. “But everything is making me nervous. Derek, I’m making everything worse than it is.”

Morgan held Reid by his shoulders and pushed him out so they could see each other. “Well I see it as progress that you know that now.” He smiled and watched Reid do the same. “You’ve gotten this far, and even though I’m getting motion sickness from this roller-coaster, we’re figuring it out.”

Reid took Morgan’s hand from his shoulder and looked at it as he held in in his lap. “Can we wait till tomorrow before she comes over?”

“I can hold her off longer. If you don’t want to see anyone, I can tell her that you’re good and we don’t need it at all.”

Reid shook his head. “I’m okay. I’m not thinking right, maybe she knows something I haven’t thought of which can make me feel better sooner.”

“That right there, _is_ thinking right.” Morgan let his other hand join the three others in Reid’s lap. “You know what you need help with and you’re asking in the right places, in your own pace.”

With eyes locked at Morgan, Reid bit is bottom lip and nodded.

“Were you finished?” Morgan looked towards the kitchen and Reid nodded.

“Go up then. Let me clean up a bit and then I’ll be right there.”

Rinsing the dishes and loading them in the washer, Morgan praised the decision to stay in the house and not in a hotel. They were only going into the third week and it felt like he and Reid had been living in the house for months. Before he went up the stairs he texted Steph and told her that Reid would se her tomorrow, but that Morgan wouldn’t fight it if he changed his mind.

* * *

“C’mon, Spencer, wake up!”

Reid was sweating bullets and whimpering as he turned his head slowly back and forth.

“Spencer! It’s me. You’re dreaming!”

Reid had slept for almost four hours and Morgan for two, but now Morgan was on his knees next to Reid on the big mattress, shaking his shoulders.

With a light hand Morgan tried padding Reid’s face but Reid continued making sounds like he was crying and Morgan took his chin and held his head facing himself.

“Angel. It’s Derek. Wake up!”

Reid’s breathing was slowly turning into long heaves for air, but still didn’t seem to do the job of filling his lungs. Morgan’s own lungs were fighting for air to support his racing heart, but he couldn’t care less about his burning chest when Reid was scared or hurting or both.

Reid started to fight Morgan’s grip. He wasn’t strong, but it was clear that he tried to pull away. “Spencer!” Morgan pressed Reid’s shoulders down to hold him steady. “Spencer! Wake UP!”

Reid’s brown eyes sprung open and for a second Morgan wasn’t sure if he was fully awake. The fastest and most desperate heave of air Morgan had ever witnessed filled Reid’s lungs and another followed. The now shaking man curled up on himself while trying to push away Morgan’s hands.

“Hey, hey. Spencer.”

Morgan pulled Reid up by his shoulders. Rigid and gasping for air, Reid didn’t seem to even register the movement.

“It’s alright. _You’re_ alright.”

It wasn’t clear if, Reid shaking his head, was an answer or just a sign that he couldn’t breathe.

“Hang on.” With a continuous movement, Morgan turned Reid and let his feet drop to the floor.

Swiftly, he got himself positioned next to him, so he could hold Reid steady when he pushed his head down between his knees. Reid fought the movement down, but Morgan was stronger and he might have been the only one who clearly knew what was up and down.

“You’re just panicking.” Morgan talked calmly but loud enough that he was sure Reid could hear him though the wheezing and gasping. “You’re safe. Just breathe.”

One breath seemed a bit steady, but Reid lost control immediately again.

“Spencer can you hear me?”

Reid lifted tried to look up, but Morgan placed a heavy palm on the back of his head and held him steady.

“Not yet. Breathe.” He wanted to take Reid’s hand from the knee it was clutching, but he couldn’t let go of his shoulder just yet. “In through your nose. C’mon.”

Slowly, but surely Reid got his breathing close enough to normal that Morgan could let him sit up. Still panting and shaking the younger man supported himself on his knees. A small sob broke free and before the second one came Morgan had pulled Reid into a tight hug.

“Shh, Angel. You’re alright.”

Reid nodded into the crease of Morgan’s neck and wrapped his arms around the broad upper back. Morgan’s arms were tired before Reid’s rears stilled, but when they did he still had the strength move his back against the headboard and pull Reid with him.

“What just happened?”

Two clammy and timid hands wrapped themselves around Morgan’s upper arm and Reid’s head rested on his shoulder.

“I dreamed… It was just like…” Reid turned his face down and his thumb and index finger were fidgeting slowly on Morgan’s bicep.

Calmly, Morgan put his hand over Reid’s to try and still him just a little. “Spencer. C’mon you need to talk about it.”

The small nod wasn’t seen, but only felt on Morgan’s shoulder.

“It was just like when I was high. It was so real.” Morgan felt Reid swallow and take a deep breath. “Derek. I thought I was using.”

Morgan had no idea how to spin this into a good thing. If Reid were dreaming that he was using. How was he ever going to get over it? How the hell would he ever get better? Morgan’s eyes were burning, not from the promise of more difficult weeks, or months, but because he had to know more about this, and he didn’t want to ask Reid to relive it.

“Spencer.” Morgan lifted his arm around Reid’s back and took his hand in the other. “Can you tell me about it?”

Reid was quiet. Maybe he hadn’t understood.

“Spencer?”

“What do you want to know?”

The lump in Reid’s throat was clear on his voice. He was on the brink of tears again.

“The dream. Being high.” He lifted their hands and pressed them to his own chest. “Why were you crying in your sleep?”

“I’m not sure.” Reid pulled his legs closer and rested his head on Morgan’s shoulder. “When I took a little just to take the withdrawal away, it felt like a painkiller, but for the mind too. Before that, when I was high, it was like an escape. At first there would be peace and quiet, no pain no worries and then I would see things as real as if I was there. Sometimes it was memories, mostly good ones, but once in a while I would see things I’ve tried hard to forget.”

Not saying a word, Morgan just squeezed Reid’s hand back when the suddenly extremely small man held on tighter.

“I don’t remember what I saw in the dream. I just remember the feeling of floating into quietness. When I woke up…”

A small gasp filled not nearly enough of Reid’s lungs before the next filled even less.

“No, no. Spencer.” Morgan cradled Reid’s face with both palms and made him look into his eyes. “You’re not doing that again.”

Reid took a deep controlled breath and shook his head slowly in Morgan’s hands.

“Good?”

Reid nodded into Morgan’s grip. “Good.”

Morgan smiled and let Reid find his comfortable place again, leaning against Morgan’s torso.

“When I woke up, I first thought that I had taken it, and then…” Reid pushed himself away and stood up.

Stunned by the sudden reaction, Morgan sat up straight, ready to run after him if Reid decided to bolt.

“It’s okay. Then what?”

Reid paced the floor by the end of the bed and ended up supporting himself with both hands on the tall dresser.

“I… I remembered how good it felt.”

The was Reid was shaking and how shaky his voice had been, testified that the confused man was hurting just from speaking those words. Morgan stood up but with the first movement towards Reid, the younger man took a step back and held up a hand for him to stop.

“Okay, okay.” Morgan sat on the edge of the mattress. “I’ll stay here, if you stay in the room.”

Reid looked confused and a bit surprised but he nodded and Morgan could breathe a bit easier, knowing that running hadn’t been on Reid’s mind.

“I don’t know how you feel. I don’t know nearly enough about this, but your subconsciousness is telling me something you don’t know.”

“My… No… I.” Morgan could hardly see Reid’s face in the dark corner of the room he’d retracted to.

“When you talked about being high, you said, “when I _took_ ” and “there _would_ _be_ ”. Spencer, if you thought that you will still use, you would have said, “when I _take_ ” and “there _is._ ” Subconsciously, you know that you’re done.”

The room was silent. Reid was too silent, but Morgan needed to give him a break to follow. It was the middle of the night and he had just calmed down from a major panic-attack. In the sparse light from the lamp on the nightstand Morgan could see Reid’s chest moving slower and more unhindered.

“Can you come sit?”

It took a few seconds before Reid stepped out of the darkness. He looked terrified. He wasn’t scared how Morgan would react, that much Morgan knew, but every sign of a possible future relapse was bound to be terrifying. Morgan smiled and held out a hand for Reid to take. Reid didn’t take it, but silently sat down with his hands in his lap, next to Morgan.

“Do you know why you panicked?”

Reid shook his head.

“Think, Spencer. You said that you thought that you had used. Were you scared of an overdose?”

“No.” Reid looked up at Morgan. “I was confused. I wasn’t sure if it was real. I panicked because I was scared that I had relapsed.”

To hear his suspicion confirmed, was making Morgan smile. Reid had panicked because he was scared the dream was real. He leaned in a bit to make sure they had eye-contact.

“You see how this is not all bad, right?”

Reid nodded but then looked down at their knees. Morgan turned one of his palms up and offered it to Reid and after a few seconds of hesitation, Reid placed his hand in Morgan’s.

Morgan wrapped his fingers around Reid’s. “Hear me out, alright?”

Reid took a deep breath and nodded while still holding his head down.

“You freaked out because you were scared that the dream was real, but you had to have realized that it was a dream pretty fast. That panic-attack lasted way too long for that.”

Reid didn’t move. It seemed like he was holding his breath, but even sitting this close, Morgan wasn’t sure.

“You don’t just remember the highs from weeks back anymore. Now you remember how good it felt just hours ago.” Reid tensed up and his hand twitched as if he was deciding if he should pull it away.

“Hey.” Morgan held on a bit tighter. “That wouldn’t add to your panic unless it was because you got scared that it will make it that much harder not to use again.”

A tear landed on Morgan’s wrist. Gently, Morgan laced their fingers and with his other hand he covered the connection.

“I know the dream is too much, but the panic-attack was for all the right reasons. You were scared that you had relapsed and then you got scared that it will be harder not to.” Morgan lifted their hands to his own chest and waited for Reid to look up at him. “Listen… Intuitively, you have only one goal. To never use again. This is a good thing.”

With his free hand Reid wiped his tears away and seemed embarrassed as he smiled. Morgan pulled him in for a quick hug and then pushed himself back to lie down in the bed.

“C’mon.”

Reid climbed up next to him and lied down on his back. “I’m not sure I can sleep, or if I want to.”

Morgan rolled to his back and stared at the spot in the ceiling where it looked like Reid’s eyes were locked. “It’s all okay.” He found Reid’s hand between their hips and laced their fingers. “I’ll be here if you change your mind.”

The fingers between Morgan’s wasn’t shaking anymore and when they held on a bit tighter, it felt somehow equal. For the first time it felt like Reid was just holding his hand and not holding _on_.

“Derek?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. Thank you for ehm… for everyth…”

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as usual I couldn't keep it short and had to go deeper with this and add another chapter before the last. 
> 
> I have sat watch with a friend who suffered from drug-dreams. He went through a period of a few weeks where he had two or three each night. We were a group of four who took turns staying with him. The most scary part was that he reacted different every time I woke him up. He is clean now and have been for years.  
> Some people have drug-dreams on and off for months and can get, one once in awhile, even years after, and some don't at all. It also depends on the drug.
> 
> Okay, so next chapter: I'm sorry, but Morgan has to go back to work eventually. Part of it will be in Reid's POV.


	16. Independent

“Spencer. You’ve hardly slept. Steph can come tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be now.”

Reid was sitting on the edge of the bed, with his back to Morgan, catching his balance before standing. He shook his head and sighed deeply.

“No, I want it out of the way.” Slowly, he stood up and Morgan almost jumped up to help him, but Reid steadied quickly. “Besides, I want to know if I should be doing something differently.”

“Alright.” Morgan got up and changed into a clean t-shirt. He’d learned by now to bring a few to Reid’s room. Sleeping clothed next to someone got too warm really fast. “Grab a shower and I’ll get breakfast ready. She’ll be here in less than an hour.”

Reid smiled to Morgan as the younger man took his duffel with him to the bathroom.

* * *

Reid wasn’t down yet when the Steph knocked at the door. Morgan wasn’t worried. She was early and he was sure he’d heard the shower turn off just a few minutes ago. When he passed the stairs to let the doctor in, she glanced up, hoping to see Reid there, but he wasn’t out of the master room yet.

“Hi.” Steph hugged Morgan tight. When she stepped back she held him by his shoulders at arm’s length and studied him from top to toe. “You look like shit. Are you sleeping?”

With a small smile and a slow shake of his head, Morgan invited her in and closed the door. “I’m good. I’m getting more sleep, we both are.”

“Good.” She put her bag on the console table and undid the laces in her boots.

“I’ll go see if he’s out of the shower. There’s coffee in the kitchen.”

Not waiting for an answer, Morgan almost sprinted up the stairs. He was sure, at least almost sure, that everything was okay, but Reid had taken too long to get ready when he knew someone would be waiting.

“Spencer?” Morgan slowed his breathing and knocked the door twice. He wouldn’t just burst in; in case Reid was not dressed. “Are you ready, do you need anything?”

“Come in.”

Morgan opened the door and found Reid sitting on the foot end of the bed. Feet in different color socks, firmly planted on the floor. Light gray dress pants covering the legs supporting his folded hands. The white, short sleeved, button-up shirt didn’t do much in covering the small vibrations his shaking breath caused.

“Spencer?” Morgan hunched down in front of the smaller man. “What is it? Are you worried…? Scared?”

Reid looked up and shook his head. “I’m not. I’m certain that I’m fine, I feel better today. I just…”

“What Spencer?” Morgan covered Reid’s hands with his. “Do you want me to be in here?”

Sudden confusion covered Reid’s face. “No. I was going to ask you…” He shook his head.

“Spencer, c’mon. No holding back, remember?”

Reid nodded but looked down at Morgan’s hands covering his. “I was going to ask if I could do this alone.”

“Hey, Angel.” Morgan took Reid’s chin with a light hand and moved his face up making eye contact. “You can ask for help anytime and I’ll be there, but I’m not forcing it on you. Everything you can, want to, or have to do yourself, you do. You’re your own person with boundaries and need for privacy. Needing help with everything for a while doesn’t change that.”

The smile on Reid’s face and the small light in his eyes burning a little brighter, spread warmth through Morgan’s whole body. He stood up and ruffled Reid’s hair in the process.

“I’ll tell Steph to come up and I’ll use the time to take a shower. God knows I need one.”

* * *

Reid had followed the doctor to the door himself and came in to kitchen sending Morgan a confident smile.

“So?”

“I’m good. Just need sleep… and to eat.”

He sent eyes after the breakfast Morgan was unwrapping. Morgan had just wanted some for a snack, but they might as well have it for lunch. He gestured for Reid to sit and put the food in the oven and found some juice.

“I got a text.”

Somehow Reid sounded hesitant. Morgan sat down and took Reid’s phone as it was offered to him. The team was traveling back and would be in town this evening. JJ had asked if Reid would join them for dinner.

“Why you and not me?”

Morgan placed the reheated pancakes on the table.

“I’m lecturing from today. It’s been two weeks.”

Both Reid, Hotch and himself had thought it would be a good idea for him and Reid not ending their vacation at the same time. It would be way easier to sell that Reid was lecturing than him, but right now Morgan wished that they had considered “ending” his own vacation first.

“How do I get out of this? I can’t go.”

“Of course not. We’ll figure something out… You’re overwhelmed with work on the first day. You have a meeting with another lecturer. You’re still getting settled here.”

Reid stopped eating. “Here?”

“Yeah, I…” Morgan hadn’t really thought through the endgame of this arrangement. He didn’t even know that he thought that Reid would live in the house longer than this. “I don’t know what…”

“Derek.” Reid reached over and covered Morgan’s hand with his own. “No holding back.”

They shared a smile and Morgan shook his head while gathering his thoughts.

“I don’t know why, but I guess I figured that you would stay in the house longer than these weeks. Maybe longer than me. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to go back to the apartment just yet. The door is good but the team still think there is water damage, so it would be believable.”

 “I think they would believe that too.” Reid’s fingers wrapped around Morgan’s hand and held on. “How about we both stay while we figure this out? If you want.”

Morgan’s eyes started burning, but the feeling of a smile he couldn’t control, had him forget the threat of a tear falling.

“I would love that. No holding back, no secrets.” The deal from the second night in the house was still holding and it lifted weight from Morgan’s shoulders just to say it.

Reid rubbed the back of Morgan’s hand with his thumb. “And no pressure.”

“No pressure.” Morgan squeezed Reid’s hand and let go, so he could start eating again.

* * *

Almost a week went by with small improvements in sleep. Reid had had small nightmares about passed horrors at work and had woken up in sweats, but after two nights without he’d told Morgan that he was okay to sleep alone. Morgan was glad that Reid was getting better and that he was getting more confident that he could handle himself, but the first night Morgan had left the door open and still didn’t sleep.

By the third night, Morgan was sleeping and not waking with every insignificant sound. The sound waking him at four in the morning was anything but insignificant. High pitched wheezes and louds sobs in between pulled Morgan from his bed and into Reid’s room.

Reid was sitting in the middle of the big bed, hugging his knees and fighting for every breath.

“Spencer!” Morgan turned the trembling man, placed his feet on the floor and supported his body as he pushed his head between his knees. “Spencer, I’m here. Breathe deep.”

Reid gasped desperately and tired to sit back up, but Morgan held him tight. When Reid’s hand grabbed tight on the edge of the mattress Morgan took it firmly in his.

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. You’ve got this.”

For a few breaths Reid almost succeeded to fill his lungs, but it took more than one try. Reid held on tight to Morgan and his other hand moved from his chest to search for something else to hold on to. Morgan led it to the other and held both in his one, while supporting Reid’s shoulder with the other.

“I’m here, Angel. I’m right here. Just concentrate on breathing slowly.”

With small steps the tries for a calmer breathing got longer and slowly Reid made his way to a subtle whimper. Morgan sat next to him on the mattress and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Take your time. It’s all good.”

The first drug test was at 10 am that day and Morgan was starting work two days later. It had to have been too much. Morgan had considered it; even though he’d made clear that he wasn’t going back to work before Reid was completely ready, the younger man was bound to feel overwhelmed.

Reid straightened his back and pushed himself back so he could get his feet up and push his knees against his chest.

“What was it Spencer. Nightmare or drug-dream?”

The first whisper was to quiet for Morgan to hear. He rubbed Reid’s back and held his hand a little tighter.

“Spencer?”

“I was dreaming. It was so real.”

“Okay.” Morgan pushed them a bit from each other and waited for Reid to look up. “And you got scared that you had actually taken something?”

Reid looked at his knees and nodded.

“Spencer, that’s okay. We can handle a panic attack once in a while.”

Reid looked up with a small smile and placed his hand on Morgan’s shoulder. Following his own hand with his eyes he let it slide slowly and light down the wide bicep and further over the elbow and lower arm. The tension from the sudden stress he’d woken with, promptly left Morgan’s body. Holding Morgan’s hand, Reid looked up and the eye-contact was unexpectedly calm for the situation.

“Want to sleep a bit more? It’s still early.”

“Yeah, we should do that.” Reid pushed himself back to lie down and pulled the cover up. “Derek… Thank you.”

Morgan place his other hand over their grip on each other. “Always.” He let go and placed Reid’s cover over his shoulders too. “I’ll leave the doors open.”

* * *

The test hadn’t been a problem. Reid hadn’t seemed nervous about anything but the possible paper trail. They had been reassured multiple times that the clinic was private and that they would get the results over the phone the day after. Reid and Hotch and agreed that Morgan would drive by and get the papers on his way to work the first time he was called back to work.

The next two days had been so much better than Morgan could have hoped. Reid was sleeping and they had been outside, both in the garden and on a few walks around the neighborhood.

Today they had even driven to a park half an hour away and spent most of an afternoon walking around. Reid had explained about the fauna and the animals. Morgan had never noticed so many small critters and insects in that park and he never knew that the ducks there were probably imported as they were not native to Virginia. Morgan had hardly said anything. He’d just enjoyed that Reid seemed like his normal self and that he looked tired, but not exhausted when they drove back was only icing on the cake that had made Morgan smile for hours.

Dinner was oddly quiet. Morgan was sure that most of it was because of himself. He’d noticed a few times that he’d answered Reid in sentences just a little to short to indicate that he wanted a conversation. He was working tomorrow. Which meant that he was on call from midnight if they would get a case. He needed to figure out how Reid was feeling about him working. He needed to know if he should stay.

After they had cleaned the table, Morgan took Reid’s hand and pulled him to the living room. They sat down in the couch and Morgan turned towards a clearly confused and worried Reid.

“Spencer we need to talk before I go back to work.”

Only a trained observer like Morgan, would have noticed the small recoil Reid did away from him. “Talk about what? You know I’m… You know that I…”

“I know.” Morgan put his hand on Reid’s knee and indicated that he should turn in the couch to look at him. “I’m not worried about the drugs. You’re better. I just need to make absolutely sure that you are ready to be alone.”

Reid shook his head with confused eyes locked at Morgan’s. “Ready? What does that mean? I’m ready, you just said…”

“Spencer, stop.” Morgan held both Reid’s shoulders. “Listen to me. I know you can be alone. I trust you; I know you know that. The question is if you will be okay. If it’s frightening. You will have to spend the nights alone.”

The tensed muscles under Morgan’s hands loosened and Reid smiled at him. “I’ll be okay. I’ve slept alone for almost a week and the last days I hadn’t had any nightmares.”

Morgan let Reid take his hands and collect them on his folded legs between them. “Derek. I know it will not be the same when you’re not in the next room, but I promise I’ll call if I need you.”

“I’ll check in as often as I can and you better pick up.”

Morgan was relieved to see Reid returning the smile he sent him. It only lasted a few seconds though, before Reid looked down.

“I need to talk to you about something too.”

Morgan knew that he couldn’t be the only one to blame for the awkward silence before.

“Okay, what is it?”

“I need you to know… You know how grateful I am for all you’ve done, for everything you _are_ doing, right?”

Morgan loosened the muscles in his chest and breathed a little easier. “I know. You don’t have to tell me that.”

“It’s not that.” Reid swallowed and took a deep breath. “Before you go back to work and we’re not together all the time I need you to know that I am not only grateful for the help, but also for the time we’ve spent together.”

Morgan wanted to talk right away, but his breath was shaking so he took his time to use two fingers to lift Reid’s face towards himself. “I am too. This is right for us, I’m sure of it.”

Reid leaned against Morgan’s chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. With his head resting lightly on the top of Reid’s, Morgan held the other man tight.

“Derek?” Reid was hardly speaking louder than a whisper. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

Reid wasn’t tense or seemed worried, but he was remarkably still.

“This is all new to me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

Morgan smiled to himself and placed a hand deep in Reid’s hair, holding him a little closer. “Me too.”

Reid pushed himself back and met Morgan with big eyes. Morgan smiled and cupped both cheeks of the surprised face with his palms.

“Angel. I’ve been with women, but it has never felt this… strong. Truth be told, I haven’t given much thought to women since I met you, and I’ve never thought about men, only you.”

“You thought of me?”

Now it was Morgan who had to look down. “I wouldn’t admit it; we’ve talked about that. But yes, I’ve thought about you, no matter how fast I rejected the thoughts, they’ve always been there.”

Reid hugged Morgan tight and rested his chin on Morgan’s shoulder. It felt good to have said it so clearly. There was left nothing to interpretation and Reid had been right to start that conversation before he had to leave. It would have been way too much to juggle around while he was working and for Reid to doubt while he was alone.

Reid rubbed Morgan’s back a few times before he sat back up. “It’s not that late, but maybe you should get some sleep before midnight.”

It was only when Morgan turned from Reid’s side and into his own room that he noticed that they had walked up the stairs hand in hand.

* * *

“Hotch? What time is it?” Morgan wasn’t sure his sleep-raw voice carried much sound over the phone.

“ _6.30. We’ve got a case. Are you sure you’re ready?_ ”

Morgan’s first instinct was to say no, the next was to kick something hard in anger for the case to come in before Reid was up.

“I’m ready. _We_ are. Where to?”

“ _Oklahoma. We’re briefing on the plane._ ”

“On my way.”

Morgan hung up before Hotch could ask anymore questions. There was almost never more information than what he’d already gotten and if there was Hotch would just text him. He needed to wake Reid up to let him know he was leaving and he couldn’t rush out the door.

His go-bag was packed and his clothes ready on a chair next to the dresser. It didn’t take him long to get out into the hallway. He dropped the bag at the top of the stairs and turned back towards Reid’s room, but a sound made him stop outside the half-open door.

Reid was breathing heavily, not heaving for air in panic but too fast for Morgan’s comfort. Morgan pushed the door open slowly.

“Spencer?”

Reid was throwing his head from side to side and clawing at the sheet. He made no sound other than the ragged breathing and the shuffling from the sheet under his frantically moving limbs.

Morgan was over him in a split second. “Spencer! Wake up, you’re dreaming.”

Reid’s eyes sprung open and his body froze. Morgan rapidly let go of the sweating man’s shoulders.

“Derek?”

“Yeah.”

Reid sat up and brushed his hair out of his face. “I was dreaming.”

“I’d say so.” Morgan sat down on the edge of the bed and took Reid’s hand. “You fully awake?”

Reid nodded and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “You’re dressed. Did you get a case?”

“We did, but I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

Reid looked genuinely astounded and Morgan wondered if he was entirely awake.

“I just woke you from a nightmare. I’m not leaving you.”

Reid lifted Morgan’s hand and Morgan was surprised that the breath behind the kiss on it, wasn’t shaking at all.

“Derek. I’m okay honestly. I’ll probably get a nightmare the day before you go in even if you wait another month.”

Reid placed a steady, but slightly too cold, hand on Morgan’s cheek and smiled. “Go.”

Morgan’s stomach turned upside down just thinking about leaving Reid like this and it only got worse when he forced himself to let go of Reid’s hand. When he stepped out of the room, his stomach had completely changed places with his heart. He looked back over his shoulder. Reid was smiling and looked confident, but Morgan was horrified as how small he looked in the huge bed.

“Go, Derek. It’s only a three hour flight and we’ll both check in.”

* * *

It had been half an hour since Morgan had left and Reid hadn’t moved since. It didn’t take long for him to realize that sleep wasn’t happening more that morning, but he didn’t want to get out of bed just yet. Pictures of Morgan bleeding out from a gunshot or a stabbing was still playing for his eyes. The paralyzing fear still had a solid hold on his body. He’d been scared for Morgan before, and everyone else on the team. He’d known for years that Morgan was special to him and it had always been a little harder to accept when he was the one in the line of fire, but this time it was different, it was stronger.

A sound from his phone made him jump and before the adrenaline had completely left his body he’d already sat up and opened the text.

**_Checking in. We’re taking off now. Did you sleep more?_ **

Reid put his feet on the floor before answering.

**_No, but we went to bed early last night. Concentrate on the case please. Don’t be distracted and do_ ** _**something dumb.**_

Reid smiled to himself. Distracted or not, Morgan would do whatever it took to get the unsub or save someone. But now, when Reid was up and more awake it didn’t seem all that scary. Morgan always got away without too many bruises.

The next message came an hour later. Reid had showered and was clearing the kitchen after breakfast.

**_We’re landing in under two hours. It looks like were hitting the ground running. I’ll make time to write but it might be a bit longer._ **

Reid was okay with the texts being a bit longer apart than two for every hour and a half. With at least two or three texts per conversation, and not counting the four and a half hours Morgan sleeps in average per night on a case, it would end up with 73.125 messages a day, at the least, and Reid wasn’t sure he would have enough content in his day to fill his part of them.

**_I’m good. I will message you if anything changes._ **

It didn’t take more than a few seconds to get an answer.

**_If it’s urgent or a text isn’t enough, you call me. If I can’t answer, call Hotch._ **

“Urgent.” was an odd word to use. Was Morgan worried something was going to happen? Reid shook his head and answered with a promise to do so and a reminder that he promised the same thing yesterday. Morgan had explained yesterday. He wasn’t worried about that; it was clearly only about the nightmares and the panic.

Morgan had found time to text Reid five minutes after they landed anyway and again on the road to the second crime-scene. They hadn’t filled their time with anything special the past week; Reid had difficult remembering the days from each other because of the lack of events, but somehow he hadn’t been bored. Now, he didn’t know what to do with his time. He thought he could just watch TV or take forever to eat like he did with Morgan, but it was tedious.

After he’d gotten better and felt good enough to concentrate, he’d been reading, and there was only two books left in the pile Hotch had brought. Reid sat in the couch with “Oblomov.” He’d always appreciated the way it portrayed the nineteenth century’s Russian society with a comedic tone. However, it was wasted on him today. He was re-reading passages that his eyes had looked at but hadn’t concentrated on. He kept pausing to look at his phone to check if he’d missed a message. His past average on the book was 9.7 minutes, but it took him over half an hour to read the book of under 600 pages. Still he had trouble remembering if he’d skipped parts of it.

Morgan hadn’t sent any messages for three hours and Reid was starting to miss the over-protectiveness, maybe because he didn’t have anything else to do. He closed the book and replaced it with the phone but just stared at that too. There was nothing he needed; he was good. He couldn’t bother Morgan while he was working, with only a demand for attention. He reached over to put the phone on the coffee table but froze and held on while leaning back in the couch again. Morgan wouldn’t be worried from seeing a text he couldn’t get to in the moment. He was a professional and could do what he needed and then get back to it. It would be fine, as long as Reid didn’t call him and didn’t get through.

**_Hi. Everything is okay, I was just thinking that I would check in._ **

Reid put his phone in his pocket and went to the kitchen. If he didn’t figure out anything else to do, Morgan might not recognize him when he got back. He opened the fridge and realized that he could go shopping for groceries. He poured himself a glass of juice and almost dropped it on the floor when his phone stated buzzing in his pocket. Morgan was calling. Why wasn’t he just messaging?

“Derek?”

“ _Hi… how are you?_ ”

“I’m fine, didn’t you see the message?”

“ _I did. I’m driving and couldn’t text back. Can you elaborate on the “fine”?”_

Reid sat down by the table and placed the glass in front of him.

“What do you want to know? I’m okay. It’s boring here alone, but I’m not thinking anything I shouldn’t.”

“ _Hey. I know you’re not. Don’t doubt that, okay?_ ”

Reid wrapped his fingers around his glass and looked into the yellow drink. “I’m not, but I wanted to reassure you.”

“ _When I ask how you are, it’s not because I’m scared you’ll do something stupid. I just want to know how you’re holding up; how you’re feeling. You don’t have to reassure me about that either. Tell it like it is, so I can help.”_

There was no doubt that he was sincere. For years, Reid had listened to Morgan’s voice keeping secrets he didn’t even knew about himself. That’s why he also knew that Morgan was worried, maybe even a little scared.

“I’m okay Derek. I think I’ll take a shower and then go grocery shopping.”

There was a sigh on the line and maybe a swallow, but the traffic was getting louder. “ _I’m glad to hear. It’s good, but call me the second you need to talk._ ”

“I will. Thank you.”

It was weird how everything had gotten turned upside down. Maybe the calls and texts were for Morgan’s wellbeing just as much as Reid’s.

“I’ll text you before I go to bed. You can call if you want, but I’m only going to call you it’s urgent.”

Morgan’s chuckle was clear enough over the traffic still getting louder. He had to be heading into town.

“ _Hotch is calling. Should I conference him in?_ ”

Reid hadn’t thought about Hotch since it all got focused on him being alone and Morgan working. He would have to message him later.

“No. You get back to the case. Tell him I said hi.”

* * *

The rest of the day went by too slow and Reid went to bed earlier than he wanted to admit to Morgan, so he sat an alarm to 10pm. When he didn’t sleep right away he thought it was from going to bed out of boredom and not fatigue. The alarm went off before he even dosed off.

**_Going to bed now. How is the case developing?_ **

Morgan answered in seconds. **_We’re making progress. It shouldn’t be a long one. How was your day?_**

There was nothing to report; it had been utterly eventful. **_Tedious, but okay._**

**_Good. I’ll probably not get any sleep tonight, so don’t feel bad about calling or texting. Hotch was glad to hear from you. We were on the way out, but he remembered to text you back, right?_ **

Two of the 11 small text-conversations Morgan had started since lunch had contained the same question. Reid just shook his head and sent the same answer as before.

**_He did. I’ll text you in the morning._ **

After the conversation Reid made sure his phone was charging. He was always ready for getting a call about a case, this time he was sure Morgan would jump on the next plane back if he couldn’t get through.

The night proved to be even longer than the day. As soon as he closed his eyes he saw Morgan covered in blood, just as the nightmare the night before. He kept himself awake half an hour before trying again, but it was still there. He was sure that he would be right back in that horror as soon as he fell asleep. He wasn’t that tired after doing next to nothing all day, so it wasn’t a fight to stay awake and keep the nightmare away. But how long would Morgan have to stay away? He said that it probably wouldn’t be a long one, but a long case could be over a week, maybe more. He wasn’t able to stay awake for that long. Reid realized that he was staring at the door to the hallway and turned around. Trying to forget that Morgan wasn’t walking in anytime soon, he curled up on himself and pulled the cover over his head.

At 6.32am Reid decided that turning in the bed any longer would make him insane. More than he already felt. It had been the last text last night till now had been 8 hours and 28 minutes. Morgan had to be waiting for a text soon anyway.

* * *

Day two alone in the house had been, if possible, even more boring. Reid had tried the book again, but had stopped halfway through. He was sure that the reason he failed concentrating this time was because he was too hung up on making it work. He’d never before had to concentrate that much on reading anything. He had made lunch from scratch, but his mind kept revisiting the times he’d cooked with Morgan the last weeks. Somehow it felt like it wasn’t as satisfying when he was alone. He’d ordered in for dinner.

Morgan had texted in average 2.24 times and hour before Reid went to bed at 9pm. Even though Reid was starting to believe that the 18 check-ins meant that Morgan didn’t trust him, he appreciated the breaks from the eventless day.

After the last texts, Reid laid on his back and looked at the ceiling. As soon as he hit the pillow he only saw shades and dull colors. His eyes was too tired to focus on anything. Relived, he hoped to get some sleep but as soon as he closed his eyes the fear was back. Not that Morgan would be hurt, but that Reid would see him hurt again. Reid had never doubted the safety of the team. They all got each other’s backs and even if someone got hurt there would be one to help right there with them. 18 text-conversations. Morgan wasn’t concentrating on the job. Would he get into a dangerous situation because he was thinking of him? Maybe the texts was so he didn’t have to worry, or was it because he already was worrying?

Reid turned to his side and pulled his legs up to hug them. His stomach was knotting up and starting to hurt. He needed to get his head in order. He was thinking too much and now his body was reacting too. Even knowing that it was only psychosomatic, he couldn’t make it stop. Maybe he should text Morgan, but he’d already said goodnight and it would only make him worry more. Maybe Hotch? Reid didn’t want to do that; what was he supposed to say? That his stomach hurt because he was scared of a nightmare that might not happen?

It took over two hours before Reid was tired enough that he was already sleeping before his eyelids closed completely and he didn’t force them open.

* * *

Reid’s hands were shaking around the phone. He couldn’t pull up Morgan’s number. Not that he wanted to, yet. He couldn’t call him and not being able to talk. Reid did his best to heave in deeper breaths. He was blind before he could find the edge of the bed and get his feet on steady ground. The only thing he knew was his burning lungs, an overwhelming fear of passing out and the phone in his hands he could no longer see.

The relief that Morgan’s absence hadn’t pulled him back in to drug use wasn’t enough to stop the panic he’d woken up with. When his hands started to go numb, he gasped in a few deeper gulps of air. He needed to talk to Morgan and he couldn’t afford to drop the phone. He tried again and slowly the breaks between gags and coughs got longer and calmer. The phone appeared in front of him and he took the deepest breath yet. He was managing. He was calming down. Slowly, but surely he got more confident that this was over. Maybe he didn’t need to bother Morgan anyway. The airy lightness occupying his brain left and his shoulders dropped.

Reid looked at the phone in his still slightly shaking hands. He shook his head and reached over and dropped the phone on the bed-side table. He didn’t have time to lie down before his throat closed up and he once again was fighting to breathe. He swung his feet over the edge and placed them flat on the floor. He could hear Morgan telling him to put his head between his legs, but Reid could only think of getting the phone before he lost his sight again. He almost dropped head first to the floor reaching for it, but he managed to take it with him back and sit somewhat sturdy on the bed. Reid’s hands were shaking again and it took all his strength to hold on to it, while he got his breathing back in order. When his lungs were cooperating enough to make him concentrate on the screen on the phone he pulled up Morgan’s number. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it would make it worse. What if Morgan was in a situation where he shouldn’t be thinking about anything else? It was only one time, maybe he could put the phone down now. Reid’s stomach clenched and he gasped in pain. He wasn’t sure he could put it down if he wanted and his hands were still shaking too much for writing anything. Maybe he should just call Hotch and ask if Morgan was able to talk.

Tears welled up in his eyes as he found Hotch’s number instead. He was supposed to be getting better. No matter how much he had been helping and still would, Hotch was still the leader of the team and Reid hated show him the setbacks. With the first dialing tone, Reid’s tears escaped his eyes. What if he couldn’t say anything? He almost hung up, but Hotch would be able to see that he had called.

“ _Hi. Just a second._ ”

It suddenly dawned on Reid that Hotch could be around other people. “Are…” Reid tried to clear his throat but ended up coughing and gasping for air.

“ _Reid? I’m alone now. What’s happening?”_

“I…” Maybe he should have waited and gotten his breathing more steady before calling.

“ _Spencer, breathe. Tell me: Do you need me to get you help?_ ”

“N-no.” Reid put his elbows on his knees and closed his eyes in attempt to counteract the dizziness.

“ _Okay. Good. Now, take your time. Just breathe for a while._ ”

Without realizing that Hotch couldn’t see it, Reid nodded. He took a few deep breaths on Hotch’s demand and let the man on the line guide the pace for the next ones.

“ _Better?_ ”

Reid took one more deep breath and opened his eyes to look at the space between his feet.

“Yes. Thank you?”

“ _Good. Spencer, what happened?_ ”

Reid wasn’t sure anymore. He didn’t remember much from the dream; he only knew that he needed someone to be with him for him to calm down.

“ _Reid?_ ”

He sat up straight and calmed his shaking hands. “I… ehm. I had a dream.”

A door opened in the room Hotch was in. “ _Hotch, we need to go…_ ” Morgan stopped abruptly. He must have seen something on Hotch’s face. Reid’s lungs paused their fast pace for a second but suddenly didn’t hurt.

“ _What?_ ” Morgan’s voice came closer and the door closed. “ _Reid..? Hotch, what’s wrong?_ ”

“ _Reid?_ ” Hotch was talking on the phone again. “ _Do you want to talk to Morgan instead?_ ”

There was nothing Reid wanted more. Morgan already sounded like he was going to rip the phone from Hotch’s hand, and he was sure that both of them would only get more freaked out if they didn’t talk.

“Yes.”

The ruffle on the other end indicated that the phone shifted hands. “ _We can manage._ ” Hotch was already far from the phone. “ _You take the time you need._ ” The door opened and closed before Morgan could respond.

“ _Angel? What’s going on?_ ”

“I…” Reid’s voice cracked and tears were running freely again.

“ _Hey. Stop, you’re fine. Nightmare or drug-dream?_ ”

Of course Morgan would already know. Morgan had seen it all and he would be able to hear his panic even when it was almost gone.

“Dream. I just couldn’t stop the panic.”

“ _And now?_ ”

“Talking helps. I needed to talk to you. I’m okay now.” Reid was sure half of the reason he came down was the he had to, so he wouldn’t scared Hotch or Morgan.

“ _Why didn’t you call me directly?_ ”

“I didn’t want you to worry if you couldn’t answer right away. Hotch could transfer the call if you had time.”

It was silent on the phone for a few seconds. Reid could hear Morgan’s breathing slowing down.

“ _I’m glad that you called Hotch. You couldn’t have been that out of it, if you were reasoning all that before calling._ ”

Morgan was right. He had reacted physically and had gotten scared that he couldn’t stop it alone, but he had figured out what he needed and how to get that help.

“ _How much have you been sleeping?_ ”

Reid looked at his watch on the nightstand. “I remember looking at time at 11.18pm. I must have fallen asleep short after that, so around five hours and ten minutes.”

“ _That’s not bad. It’s more than I’ve got._ ”

Morgan’s chuckle settled in Reid’s chest and relaxed the last of the tension in his body.

“How is work?” Reid was done talking about the panic and the dream, but he wasn’t ready to put the phone down just yet.

“ _The team and the whole force of the 8-person police department just left to apprehend the unsubs. If there’s no surprises we might go home tomorrow… well, later today_.”

The thought of having Morgan back had Reid close his eyes and exhale slowly in relief.

“Wait.” Reid pushed himself back against the headboard and pulled his knees up. “You didn’t go with them? I could have talked to Hotch… I could have waited if you told me you were working. Why didn’t you say something?”

“ _Spencer… Don’t. I told you: You will always be more important._ ”


	17. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Super short ending to a long story.  
> Hope you've enjoyed the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've loved writing this and I never thought that it would be my most read fic and the most commented on. You guys have kept me company while writing a fic that became way longer than I thought it would be. Thanks for all the comments and kudos.

Morgan had texted Reid as soon as they got in the car headed to the airport. Everyone but him and Hotch had slept on the plane. Hotch had been writing up reports, but Morgan was sure he was using it as an excuse to keep an eye on him.

The three hour flight had felt like six and the few cars on the way back to the house seemed to be moving slower than ever, even though Morgan could see that they drove to speed limit.

Why he knocked on the door to his own house wasn’t clear. He shook his head and walked in to the hallway.

“Spencer? You home?”

Morgan dropped his duffle and shook his head again; he must be loosing his mind. Reid had answered his text what they landed and told him that he was going to prepare lunch for when he came back.

Sure enough; when Morgan walked through the living room, Reid came out of the kitchen. For a second of two they both frozen, inspecting the other. However, the hesitant look in Reid’s eyes couldn’t fight the pull he had on Morgan for long and Morgan rushed over and hugged the silent man tight. Reid’s chin rested heavy on Morgan’s shoulder and Morgan felt arms wrapping around his waist.

“You look good.” Morgan didn’t expect Reid to believe him and the chuckle shaking both of them supported his believe.

Reid pushed himself back, stood clear of Morgan and smiled. “I really don’t.”

“Hey.” Morgan held Reid by his elbows and looked him in the eyes. “You look tired. I know you didn’t sleep much, but that aside, you look amazing. You look healthy.”

Reid had more color than when Morgan left. He knew that he’d been getting better day for day but the last week or so Morgan had thought that Reid was all good. Being a way a few days had proved that the progress was still going but in smaller steps. Morgan was seeing the real Reid again. He looked like his old self now.

“Don’t you feel better?”

Reid looked down and bit his lip. He suddenly seemed sad or nervous. Apparently, the mood swings wasn’t all gone and it made Morgan hesitate. Had he said something wrong? Slowly, he brushed his hands along Reid’s forearms and ended up taking both of his hands and connecting all four of their hands between them.

“Spencer? Tell me…”

Reid tightened his grip and sent a wave of shakes through Morgan’s body.

“I know you said that you trusted me, but…” Reid didn’t look up and Morgan wasn’t sure what was going on. He heard that it sounded like Reid was about to tell him that he’d broken that trust, but he knew that wasn’t the case.

“But what?”

Reid took a deep breath and swallowed. “You sent so many messages and now…” Reid took another deep breath before continuing. “…now you looked really relived. You were scared.”

The tension and confusion left Morgan’s body in a long exhale. He lifted their hands and pressed them against his own chest.

“Angel, look at me. How many times do I have to tell you that I’ve never thought that you would fall back? Spencer, look at me.”

Slowly, Reid’s head lifted and his eyes met Morgan’s. Morgan smiled hoping that Reid would do the same. “Spencer. Do you think I would leave you alone for a second if I thought there was the slightest chance? You’re supposed to be the genius here.”

A small smile build on Reid’s face.

“C’mere.” Morgan pulled him in for another, tighter, hug. “I wasn’t scared you would relapse. I was worried that you were scared and…” Morgan only realized that moment. “…and completely selfishly; I just missed you.”

Reid lifted his hand behind Morgan’s back and brushed it over his face. His voice cracked a little when he spoke. “I missed you too.”

They stayed like that till Morgan had the water in his eyes under control and Reid had moved his hand to the middle of Morgan’s back again.

Forgetting about food Morgan pulled Reid to the couch and sat them down. He turned against Reid and holding both of Reid’s hands he made sure Reid was turning towards him too.

“You texted me too. How many of those were because you wanted to make sure I was good on the first case and how many were because you missed talking to me?”

Morgan were sure Reid knew the exact number and that it was close to the total number of conversations Reid had started. Reid didn’t say anything though. He just smiled and shook his head.

Sitting there, looking in Reid’s eyes, Morgan was sure that he didn’t ever wanted to leave again, but he knew he had to. The rest of the week until Reid was coming back to the team was going to be hell for him, and he was confident it would for Reid too. And even then, Reid wouldn’t even be at full time.

“Can I ask you something…? Can I tell you something?”

Reid nodded silently and looked Morgan in the eyes. Morgan took a deep breath and looked at their hands.

“We don’t know how much time we have to ourselves between cases. I don’t want to spend any of it alone.” Morgan bit his lip and forced himself to Reid’s analytical eyes. “Would it be weird if we slept together?”

Reid let go of Morgan’s hands and took his face in both of his. The intense eye-contact would have been too much to handle if Reid’s eyes wasn’t shining and supporting an eased and natural smile.

The first light contact between Reid’s and his own lips didn’t register before the contact became stronger and he naturally melted into the connection. The somehow timid moves from Reid’s lips and face stood in contrast to the firm hold he had on Morgan’s face. Catching up with what was happening, Morgan buried a hand in the thick hair on the back of Reid’s head and let the other hand rest lightly on the cheek of the man who in this moment was the perfect extension of himself. As if none of them was ready to let go of each other, they ended sitting forehead against forehead, slowly gathering their hands on their legs, under their eyes.

Reid took a controlled breath. “I would hate for you to sleep in the other room, and it’s not like we haven’t slept together before, but…”

Morgan felt the connection with Reid’s forehead lessen and his hands tried to pull away, but Morgan didn’t let that happen. He held on tight with one hand and burring the other in Reid’s hair, he moved the man’s head to rest on his shoulder.

“Nothing more than sleep. Angel, we just learned that we needed to take this step.” He pressed them a bit closer and kissed Reid’s neck before resting his chin on Reid’s shoulder. “Others can wait.”

Reid wrapped both hands around Morgan’s back and squeezed tight before letting go and sitting back to look at Morgan. “But there will be other steps?”

Morgan was sure he could see Reid blushing, even when he quickly bend his neck and looked down.

“I’m sure there will.” Morgan pushed Reid’s face up with a light hold on his chin. “I’ve told you. You are the only one, who’ve ever made me feel this way. We’re going to figure all of this out together.”

Reid nodded as much as he could, with his face still held buy Morgan’s hand. “But I’ve never…”

“Hey, Genius. I’ve never been with a man; it’s all new to me too. Let’s not think about this now, we have all the time in the world.”

The look of confidence, suddenly decorating Reid’s face had been gone for so long, and Morgan hadn’t even realized how much he’d missed that.

“Okay.” Reid put his hands on Morgan’s shoulder and neck. “Let’s perfect this step first.”

This time Morgan thought he was ready, but the safe feeling of no space between him and Reid made the world around him fade into nothing. Now that Reid didn’t need him for help, but the need was mutual and the same, he never wanted to let go.

* * *

  
"BIRDS SING AFTER A STORM. WHY SHOULDN'T PEOPLE FEEL AS FREE TO DELIGHT IN WHATEVER SUNLIGHT REMAINS TO THEM?"  
\- Rose Kennedy


End file.
